Conversations with myself

Found an interesting blog called One Pic a Day and spent an enormous about of time reading and looking at his posts. I'm so impressed that someone has kept up with documenting daily for almost 20 years! I'm blown away... The photos grow in beauty and that special knack he has for choosing something average and transporting it to art. I love the mood conveyed with color and shadow...tiny added details that mean nothing but everything to the whole frame. Found myself a new hero of sorts.
I like this guy because he shares his inner messy feelings without edit...or little editing. I tire of people telling me that I feel to much, to deeply or over think things...it's what I do...think, deliberate, reflect and remember!
I think, I'm inspired to be more of myself from this man...I will not consider others thoughts on my emotional ramblings any longer. If you don't want to hear my thoughts...don't listen...stay away...find another target or better yet do some introspective thoughts on your own to why you're needing my presence in your life.
As of late, the men in my life are disappointing. I seem to gravitate to tortured souls with enormous bags of pain around their necks (as with myself)...then I look to heal them!

My soul mate is far away in more than miles...I still don't know why he chose to be with me and why he remains in contact. Although our contact is minimum to say the least.

In comes, Jimmy, another unplanned meeting. He starts the relationship then retreats, presses forward adding sexual tension to it and again retreats. Back and forth, back and forth til Christmas he dismisses me like a bad child. I fled without any rebuttal or tears. That truly was a surprise to me, as I do like Jimmy intensely but I must be learning to roll with the punches or to retain some of me from being laid low. Everything I did seems to be filtered through the behavior of another who has left him broken and confused to why. It's such a loss to both the men, as I have not had an opportunity to fully extend my ability to love either one.

I believe, Duncan is the closest I've ever had to opening up that door because I was truly myself with him. I was of course concerned about the age difference but only for his sake as I wanted him to be happy before my needs.
Jimmy's spirit is clouded with alcohol and drugs to blanket the pain he doesn't want to feel or thinks he can't withstand? I love his mind and there is something chemical about us being physically near each other. It's almost primitive the intense sexual vibes between us. Not the best connection but boy what a rush! By nature, I'm very sexual and passionate, I would welcome a partner in life who can match me toe to toe...lol...so to speak! Again I think, another man finds me frightening because he feels drawn to me or afraid he will need me in his life. Jimmy repeated something Duncan has said...doesn't want to disappoint me! What is that all about? How can anyone go about life without disappointing other in some way or another? Are they afraid I cannot forgive? or Are they interpreting my intensity as a barometer of my love for them....therefore Shara will self destroy if they let me down? I'm confused with the game and wish only to have the cards on the table. Love me, like me, want to use my body, my mind or just enjoy hearing someone say beautiful things to you...what is it? I just open my heart and let it flow out, somehow I still remain me even when I'm rebuffed!