Today I had a mandatory meeting concerning my daughter's absences at school. We drove to the location, a very old gymwhere we had to walk thru metal detectors and had our purses checked through twice. Police officers were present to insure no disturbances. I was very surprised to see about 1000 parents and students in attendance. I felt humiliated. I felt like a failure as a parent that I can not insure my daughters whereabouts.
There was no air condition, which I felt was not a oversight but a further tactic to intimidate as was the talk from the city district attorney. Long lists of how parents would be fined, even loss of parental rights if found that they caused the absences...the students weren't left alone either. Doom and scare tactics. I felt the voice saying, "It's all your fault, you're not a good mom." Ever have an anxiety attack...your heart starts racing, you can't breathe properly and the thoughts race around your head. It was very familiar...all the racing thoughts, the self damning, and feeling of hopelessness.
Pulling myself together...I tried to approach my daughter more like a friend. She wanted to go to Starbucks...offered to buy...I of course bought. We talked about the situation. She has come a long way but thought she should go to her dads to live. She thinks if she's there, she will get more help from the friends there to stay the course and no one there knows of all her problems. No history!
"You can keep running from your problems, Sara." I don't want you to leave. Let's look to finding the solutions here, you've turned a huge corner. If by Christmas, you feel you can't handle high school any longer, we will go the GED route. That seem to give her some comfort as being so far behind has caused her pain. The last school she attended did not give her a single credit! It has all been a nightmare...the assault...depression...hospitalizations...running away...cutting...agression and now I see the light in that distant tunnel. She's my little girl again, since our trip...she's my little girl but the fight isn't over. I can't fail her now! I won't fail her now!
Bryan is truly trying to be more understanding and I will make the necessary calls to get Sara back to counseling. This time she promises she will cooperate. I miss my rock about now.
Right this moment, I do hear his voice encouraging me to be strong and believe.
the Queen cries out for mercy for her youngest princess...
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