Chaotic Blessings

Dearest Ones,

I'm in the depths of a mire, a turning churning chaotic blessing called life. It matters not what the details are or whether or not I'm deserving of mishap or a victim of bad karma...it is the human struggle evolving.

Of course, I'm whining, complaining to someone or maybe no one at all in cyberspace bloggerland. It is good for me to see the words, letter by letter, words into sentence then paragraph and perhaps a meaningful conclusion that is tangible proof that I feel. I feel therefore I breathe...therefore I'm making a ripple in the big pond.

So many times I have felt alone with my thoughts and with my roller coaster emotions. How often I have coveted the hard heart of those you spear my heart like small perch in a shallow pond. To be able to only think of yourself, to be ruthless and regret only that you hadn't grabbed more from the cookie jar. I sometimes wish to be without that tiny fellow on my shoulder, the one who points out the plight of others. "Do the right thing, Shara...be pure of heart, try to be better."

Today I felt betrayed or more realistic, used at work then I rushed through rush hour to save the day, put out the fire for someones folly. Super Mommy to the rescue!

I returned to the nest to be falsely charged. I couldn't hold back the bottled up anger and so I vented on an innocent party. I retained my dignity without vulgar words or actions but still...she didn't deserved her workday to end like mine did!

The little voice wins again as I feel full force the remorse for hurting another. I just can't seem to enjoy being a bitch even when I fully earned the right. Hopefully I will have to opportunity to ask for forgiveness...chaotic blessings to understand I'm still to be humbled.