Forgiveness

Sunday night, after closing the local Barnes & Nobel bookstore, I called my ex husband. I wasn't really sure how he would react as he doesn't handle impromptu anything very well. Micheal is a man of many routines. Check and recheck...did he or didn't he lock that cabinet or pay that bill, an endless stream of chores that must be done except the work of the heart!

He's a man of conflicts and a child in the ways of expressing love and devotion. He needed a parent, not a partner in life.

He seemed nervous but was anxious for me to come over to what was once our home. I really am surprised at my boldness for one but mostly I had not been able to spend anytime in the house since I left without getting physically ill. I literally would get nauseous and weepy at the sight of the conditions it was in. Just like the scene from the Charles Dickens book, The Great Expectations when Pip walks into the great dining hall of Miss Havenshamn to see the decaying remains of a wedding feast that never took place because her fiance's disappearance. Miss H. left everything the way it was, left it to the spiders, bugs and mice as she wore her wedding dress into sheds. My, our home still had boxes from my move out, the kitchen counters covered with papers, miscellaneous projects and the pantry held the ancient food I had organized almost two years ago. Like a time warp, I felt a heavy wave of sadness every time I returned to retrieve something of mine until I could no longer bear it! I choose to abandon those things as punishment for not being able to bear up under the weight of an unhappy marriage.

This night was different as I parked in front, walked past the tiny garden I once was so fond of creating. I noticed some new additions to the front porch and the familiar pots I had picked out and carried from the garden center. He opened the door to reveal huge walls of speakers (he's a musician, a guitar teacher and ex rocker in the day). Everywhere I looked the were boxes of stuff I recognized from his warehouse of twenty years. There was a huge surfboard in the den standing up against the wall, an arcade game, bar signs everywhere, guitars, microphones....it was the band room of the sixties again. You expected to hear the guys come from the backroom smoking a joint and saying, "Hey man, this your old lady!"

He was suddenly aware of how bad it really looked but I wasn't there to rub it in, I was there to help us both move on. I found a spot to sit, a ottoman next to the only chair in front of the television set, the chair and ottoman I had bought him one Christmas.

The Oscars were on and we sort of stared at the set to relieve the tension until I jumped in with, "Micheal, I wanted you to know, I'm not angry anymore." He looked relieved and I continued, " I forgive you for what I thought was your unfair handling of the divorce and realized we both did the best we could do with the situation." Now the rest was a bit redundant as he and I repeated ourselves somewhat and rehashed over the loss of his dad and the whys but at the end of the visit there was a conclusion that we could both live with. Apparently I still have quite a bit of crap there and I will return to pick through it. He needs my help to move on to some kind of self independence with a element of fun. All he does is work but that was one of the problems in the relationship, I can't fix him but I can release him from the guilt he carries over losing me. He wants to be friends! Not sure I can go that step or what that means to him as he wanted to date after signing the divorce papers! I do have an amazing effect on husbands...lol...they all want to date after I leave. Like locking the barn after the horse run away, what sense does it make! Anyway he walks me to my car, kisses me goodbye and thanks me for coming. He is having a procedure done at Harris Hospital to check his colon for problems and admitted to being nervous. I helped him keep his mind off of worrying about it and yes, he knows I care! I slept really well that night like after going to confession on Saturdays as a child at St. Francis Catholic Church. Ten Our Father's and five Hail Mary's plus light one candle would do it!

Yes, forgiveness is good for the soul.