The nights seem to magnify my fears. The future itself seems to be a fragile dream capable of dissolving at any moment...when the lights are low and the apartment is silent.
All of my demons are self made and kept alive from the low ever present whisperings of my past.
Sometimes I ask for council but mostly, I communicate with myself these days. This blog is my way of sorting out the real from the contrive stuff. True friends and lovers tell me that I'm the only one who doesn't appreciate me! They seem confused to why I have so much self doubt. It's not easy for me to explain or understand myself. I've talked about others disappointing me but I believe the truth is, I'm terribly disappointed in me most of all. What motivated me as a child still burns within as an adult but now I have lost the convenience of time to complete my tasks.
My life as been a series of trade offs and compromises but I always looked forward to the day I could move at my own speed.
So here it is! They called my number and I can finally walk to the counter and order what I want! So why am I so terrified! Why am I trembling with fear of failure now! Hasn't the worst of times already happened to me? Didn't I live and thrive through it all?
Maybe...possibly, I'm just catching my breath before making the most beautiful dive in my life! I do feel something awesome brewing, like that smell of moisture in the air before a much needed spring shower. I can hardly contain my excitement for what's to come.
I'm back to work, doing what I love to do...hopefully inspiring the young to love the arts. This month the kids and I are exploring Asian culture. I have these big plans to create a lion dragon for students to dance with in our Chinese new year parade. I visualize students wearing masks of the 12 Chinese zodiac animals, carrying bright colored paper lanterns, hand painted banners while banging on drums and clashing cymbals. Wish me luck but most of all the energy to prevail. With all my ramblings of self doubt, I amaze myself at my fearlessness for a great project. Maybe I shouldn't worry about satisfying the future but just live the present. Sounds like an unplan! lol
the Queen says Gung Hay Fat Choy!
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6 comments:
Hi,
There is a saying in Bhagavat geetha" (hindu religious book)
"Whatever happened, happened for the good; whatever is happening, is happening for the good; whatever will happen, will also happen for the good only."
Hope this finds you having a good day
take care
love
bindhiya
Hello bindhiya,
You are so kind to respond. I met a wonderful man from South Africa this summer who induced me to the beautiful ideas of karma and his beliefs. I feel he open my eyes to a world I didn't know existed...I'm much happier now. I would love to know more about Bhagavat geetha.
Love to you,
Shara
Dear Shara,
here is the message
"Whatever happened, it happened for good.
Whatever is happening, is happening for good.
Whatever that will happen, it will be for good.
What have you lost for which you cry?
What did you bring with you, which you have lost?
What did you produce, which has destroyed?
You did not bring anything when you were born.
Whatever you have, you have received from Him.
Whatever you will give, you will give to Him.
You came empty handed and
you will go the same way.
Whatever is yours today was somebody else’s yesterday and will be somebody else’s tomorrow.
Change is the law of the universe."
don't think you are alone God is with you. now you got a passport...you can do so much travel around and see the world. There is non profits around the world give flight tickets for volunteers...
It is not easy, but try to see the positive side of life....
anytime you want someone to talk mail me @ serenes_mom@yahoo.com....
I am linking you to my blog, hope you don't mind.
Hope you had a wonderful day.
Take care
Love
bindhiya
Bindhiya ~ I love you. It's late and I'm about to go to bed, but just thought I check in on The Queen. I was worried when she didn't write, but here you are together and I like that very, very much. You both write honestly and beautifully and believe it or nor, helped me. This is such an amazing support system. We have a few great men and a whole lot of amazing women. I'm staying right here. The Queen...I hope you have an amazing day.
XO Suzanne
I'm feeling so warm and fuzzy! You ladies are giving me so much strength and comfort...something I haven't had alot of since divorce. With every loss in my life, I have recieved huge gifts from god...not always obvious at first but always there in the final tally up!
Love you Girls!
And obviously, we love you sweetie. I don't think we're going away like a hubby, so hang on an enjoy the ride! I think this little group is forever.
XO Suzanne :)
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