All alone...at last...maybe?

For some months now, I've thought about the idea of being on my own. To be without children to care for and have my time to divide into parts that I deem fit. What grand ideas I had for the day to arrive when I could do just what I wanted to do!

Unfortunately the day came earlier than I expected and in a way that left me feeling remorseful instead of rejoicing. My youngest daughter at seventeen decided to live on her own and with a little help from her friends did just that. It was horrible to be helpless and without control to keep her from destroying her life before it's really begun. Fortunately for me, I was blessed with six children, five that are older and on their own who interceded on her and my behalf. "Don't worry, Mom," my oldest son, Kristain said, "I'll talk to her and watch over her".

Somehow, he talked her into moving in with him and his wife where she watches their youngest daughter, Hannah. She's not in school and that is killing me....how can I have failed her? She wants to get a GED instead of High School Diploma which again is devastating to me but I have to ask myself an important question. Will it change my love for Sara if she doesn't follow my path, if she chooses a different way? Do I accept her for her strengths or struggle to try to force or control her into doing the RIGHT THING? What is the right thing? I don't know anymore if the standard answers apply as all I want is to be her mom still!

So I count my blessings! Sara isn't pregnant, she isn't drinking or on drugs or in jail. She's not trying to harm others or herself....she just can't handle school in the traditional way right now. At the moment, she's learning a good lesson of what living on your own can mean. I recently took her to lunch...Burger King was her choice and she was grateful. I bought her some personal products for that time of the month and she thanked me. I handed her eight one dollar bills which was all the cash I had at the time and she hugged me saying I was the best mom ever.

I don't feel like the best mom ever...I feel like a complete failure at times but I do see the value of god taking things over. Being in the awful position of absolute no control is a humbling experience and yet I see the learning curve of accepting what I can not control which is pretty much everything outside of my own doing. I can control my actions, my emotions (to a point) and reactions to what life throws my way. What am I going to do? Nothing for the time being....I'm going to wait for guidance.

I love my children dearly but I'm out of energy and resources to solve their dilemmas ...maybe I just need to listen and wait for them to pick up the shovel to dig out themselves!