What Do...I Want?

I'm including a recent email I sent to a friend who lives on his sailboat on the Texas coast. He has found the perfect life for himself and expressed to me what he was looking for in life and a partner to continue he own personal adventure. This is my reply to his email and I thought it brought out some important facts about myself that I needed to examine. Wow, I'm always amazed as these conversations with myself at who I am! I'm not disappointed or so much impressed as amazed that I didn't already know those things about myself. Ain't it amazing (I know I used the word three times) what we discover when we ask....even when we're asking questions of ourself! Duh!

Dear Pat,
I'm jealous that you have such a clear concise plan for yourself but you have had more alone time than I. My life has not stopped spinning for years and only slightly slowed the revolutions for the last 6 to 8 months. You're right that I have alot going for me and choices are mine. In the middle of a hurricane you don't always know what to focus on...you're going to cover your head! Maybe now, the eye of the hurricane is passing over me and I can take the moment to think about just what it is that I (Shara) want!
I pondered the question but it's easier to answer what I don't want! I don't want to be confined to a life of ordinary, to have one day following the next with no unexpected challenges or new people in it. I don't want to be alone for the remaining part of my life but I want to be passionately in love with him, to always crave his company even when he just pissed me off. I don't expect to have a relationships without bumps...let's debate about it but let's always respect the other's thoughts and beliefs. I don't want someone to tell me what to do, how to do and when to do it...if I sign on again with a partner, it's understood that I'm an equal and will do my part to maintain the relationship.
What do I want in a partner? I want honesty in all things...a man I can be proud to walk down the street with, to sleep next to, and fight life's battles with. He doesn't have to be bigger than life itself but have an inner soul that keeps him right with the world and others. I am a spiritual person...it's who I am but I wouldn't call it religious...more like what my mother's people who are Delaware Indian call spiritually. I feel the emotions in the earth, the animals and the people who live here. It's an awareness that all living things depend on each other and that they interact either in a negative or positive way. I choose to see the world that way...all fitting together and having a greater meaning than just being!
I want a life of adventure and challenge till I take my last breathe. Let me learn something new and I'm a happy woman, allow me to conquer a fear of mine and I'm celebrating! Don't confuse me with people who take unusually dangerous chances...as I don't have a death wish...just want to enjoy as much out there as I can.
Would I enjoy living on a sailboat? I don't know! I do know I could get rid of stuff as the only reason I have stuff is to give me comfort or for my profession. I love the water, not afraid per say but respect that it can be dangerous if you're not prepared. I adore the ocean but only have experience from the shore point of view. I prefer fresh over canned any day....seafood over any other kind of food...and love to play in the kitchen (galley?). If I fall in love...and I use the word love...it's passionate and very physical so I expect to be physically close to him. I don't want to spend alot of time with anyone that I can't shower with and have fun! Sex is very important and not something to bargain for or put aside for chores or the end of the day or only on Saturdays. Like my life, that part of my life should be easy, flowing, fun, full of laughter and enjoyable for both of us like a well played volleyball match.
What's left? Money...oh...well...I have always shared everything I had with my mate, it's who I am but that hasn't always worked very well for me! Nevertheless...like I said, it's who I am and so if I commit to another partner, I will share everything I own and my ability to earn with my talents...a partnership.
My children and family? I will always choose my child over anyone but I have raised them and it is my time to live free of the day to day parent chores. I must always be available to communicate with my family and make trips to see them or have them visit me. To separate myself from them is to change who I am. I am mom...forever a mom. I would want to have a healthy relationship with the family of my partner and be allowed to give love to them too. I thrive on giving affection and being close to people. If I loved you then I have already fell in love with who you love...it's an entire package or nothing!
Now, Pat you need a nap after this! At the very least you will know if you want to get to know me or not and at the most, you may have made a connection to someone closer to what you're looking for.
Hope this isn't too much to digest and I will hear from you again, if not...it's no lost to us... just life.
Shara

P.S. The shrimp boat in my photo isn't Pat's boat but a boat designed and built in the backyard of the owner. The entire family works own the boat in Port Aransas, Texas where coincidentally so does Pat.