Sorting out the emotions

It's another late night, I can't sleep even though the apartment is silent except for the sound of the clothes dryer tossing a load. Somehow that noise is comforting to me...a chore finished as I type about dealing with another emotional tidal wave.

I've missed a deadline for getting in some student art and I'm full of guilt and recrimination. Bad art teacher, bad bad art teacher!

At first, I thought it was just a mistake that I felt sure I had turned in the two required pieces but no...I had lost track of time. I spent extra time looking for a particuliar piece of art but that only made me feel worst as I realized how backed up I am on getting art back to the 825 plus students! I know that there's a good reason for me facing this issue as I fly too often by the seat of my pants...it's my strength, thinking in the moment and I get the best ideas under the pressure but I need a better system for all the deadlines and added "art teacher could you do me a favor" things.

In the past, I just worked harder and longer hours, often until 11:00 pm or when the night janitor escorted me home...shaking his head, "You work too hard". I thought I needed things to be perfect until I had to have surgery on my shoulder. After facing mortality, I sort of laid back some...came home at reasonable hours, ate dinner with my daughter, even watched some televison but the work load, number of art pieces keep growing as I try to save back pieces for art shows or contests ( I hate the contests!). I want to do more projects that allow the students to create quality work instead of quick turn crafty on the fridge works. My principal expects product to be churned out like a vending machine and tastefully tacked up on the walls for parents to admire..."Oh, you're going to have the children make christmas ornaments again aren't you,", "How are you going to decorate the school" and now " We really need you to paint another mural since the one you painted two years ago was destroyed somehow at the back of the stage where the janitors stored it", "Do you think you can get it done by May...before the Career Day...Ms. Dennings wants to have it as a back drop for the banquet" and for public school week...I would like some western art, you know...blue bonnets..stuff like that!"

I'm depressed and therefore start to beat myself up! I even feel fat today! lol

The mind is so strong it can take you on a rollercoaster ride of gut wretching fear provoking senarios.So I came here to talk it out, sort out the real emotions from the imaged ones and calm my spirit down.

#1. I can call the art office tomorrow to see if I can still submit two pieces or even just one.

#2. Share with my aide and friend that I want to improve on our system to keep up with these things

#3. Take the time to write down all I have done this year as I believe it's quite alot already.

#4. Write up a priority list and tack that sucker on the wall in the art room so I can't miss it!

#5. Thank the gods for this crisis as I can't lay back but need to energize myself to work smarter.

Deep sigh...deep breathe...I think I can sleep now!