It's Sunday and I have an appointment with my hair stylist Jake to keep the RED in my hair! Don't think I'm his super client that demands he opens his funky shop on a Sunday. Fort Worth is in the middle of the Fort Worth Stock Show and Rodeo from January 11 to February 3 with bull-riding, bronc-busting, bull-dogging and carnival at the fair grounds at the Will Rodgers Memorial Center. Why does that matter to a hair stylist? 'cause his business is conveniently across the street from all the goings on and a perfect place to park your car while your family partakes in all the happenings. Every place that has a spot can charge from $5 dollars to $9...so Jake can pick up some extra cash...everybody wins!
Jake decides to one up the red intensity and a sharper cut...I love the color but need some time getting use to the sharp edges to the cut. I'm moving out...in lots of ways...on the outer edge of what is expected and what could be!
Drove down to Barnes & Noble bookstore to meet my Italy group in the coffee shop. Nearly 15 people crowd around two large tables discussing what we need to bring, where we can go on our free days and tips from a seasoned traveler on what to expect. I'm convinced that this trip will be the catalyst for something monumental in my life. Mary and I decide to buddy up as roommates on the trip. We got to know get other from Poetry Nights at Embargo and discovered that we are both easy going and free spirits...I could see us easily sneaking off from the others to explore the city and night life. Bold and unafraid but not stupid! Mary tells me about open auditions for the Vagina Monologues at Wesley University...she & I agree to go for it! I'm flattered that she feels I have the ability...she says I have a beautiful voice when I read. It's so sad when you are shocked to hear someone compliment you and it doesn't feel true, must not be true...they're just being nice. Why do I still doubt my worth, my skills, my physical presence and talents? That voice inside my head for all these years has drowned out any and all positive comments....where did it come from ?....who put it there?
Jo DeFoe an artist/teacher who is going to Japan with the same organization has invited me to an art party at her studio. I must admit to you and myself that I have been petty about this woman because of my own jealousy of her ability to have it all ( as I saw it) with a loving husband who supports her art, kids who do well in school, respected by her peers, painting and doing her thing with this over the top I'm a old hippi mantra!
You see, I'm from that generation..I was in college in 1969 during the height of the hippi movement, missed my ride to Woodstock, participated in sit ins to protest the Vietnam war and sported my beads and painted jeans on campus. Somehow I felt trespassed upon...she using my era like a hook for a rap song...her own marketing tool to promote herself. I found fault in her art and kept my distance as I sensed that she wasn't really sincere!
Bless me father, for I have sinned! I judged someone false because I was ashamed of my own lack of bravery to get out and risk rejection or defeat. It grieves me to admit that I stooped so low to have these thoughts and feelings even though I have been in debate with myself to travel the higher road. Today I had a major break though when Jo said, "I've got this great question I ask myself....What am I capable of?"....Wow, I felt the emotion flow over me like a warm wave....she is authentic!...she does understand ! AND she ain't as confident as she portrays (just like me...she's scared too)!
I posed my question for review. " I ask myself, What keeps me in a box?...I do!" She and Mary both emotionally agreed that, that is so true....it is a powerful moment as the three of us are lost in our art/artist to artist talkathon! I glance around us and notice patrons in the coffee shop are staring at us with interest and I detect admiration for our enthusiasm! It's wonderful to be on fire with something you're passionate about and when you can connect to another....it's like sex ...so powerful and intoxicating!
This high takes hours to wear down to a low humming noise in my head. Sara & I end up home where she and friend Bryan decide to take me along to the local fun hangout, Main Event. I just kinda tag along...decide to document the event on film.
We're home now, Sara & Bryan are watching one of the films they picked out and I, why I'm talking to you...trying to make sense of details and save them for the lean times.
4 comments:
God I adore you. Thank you for allowing me to read such a sincere and beautiful post. I hung on every word. I wish you understood how much you matter and I'm looking forward to the moment you discover your self worth. You're so hard on yourself and yet you have the most beautiful soul. Why can't you see what we all see? Give yourself a break once in awhile and also give yourself some credit. I'm here because I think you're such a special woman. I'm never wrong about that sort of thing.
And just so you know, I'm from the Woodstock area! Had to laugh. The concert wasn't actually in Woodstock because it got too big. It was at a farm a number of miles away.
Be gentle and kind to yourself. Please. We'll talk soon.
Love you,
XO Suzanne
Dearest Friend,
You must know what I feel when someone understands and or appreciates my dribble. It seems to be important at this point in my growth to be completely open and honest with myself. I need to unwrap every covering I have bound myself with for protection to peek underneath to find the one who has survived!
From my heart,
Shara
You are too dear. You write so beautifully and your comment made me think a long time and will continue to. I hope, with all my heart, that opening yourself up, reviewing your life, letting people in who genuinely love you gives you courage and strength. You are such an amazing lady, and the thought of you never finding yourself isn't an option for me. I want you to be happy in your skin.
I've read so many of Bindi's comments to you and I'd like to say that she is such a wise soul. She's smart, kind, gentle and a wonderful listener. I'm so happy she's here for you. You know I'm not religious, but the only words that come to mind are "What a blessing."
I hope you're having a good day. I'm thinking about you...a lot! Be kind to yourself for me.
Much love,
Suzanne
Dearest Suzanne,
One of areas I must conquer about myself is accepting compliments. It has always been a difficult matter to believe what you hear, as I learn very early in life that it is actions that prove the spoken words. To always discount a positive comment or believe one shouldn't take pride from it, is crippling to personal growth. I'm meeting this woman Shara...almost for the first time. She and I are trying to sort out the authentic from the created persona! Bit confusing when the argument is with yourself. lol
Love to you,
Shara
ps..yes, I believe Bindi is my angel, my soul guide to another transition. We have so many sent our way, I think we just don't recognize them when they enter our small world.
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