I'm including this very private but very informative email I wrote to my South African photographer friend, teacher and lover who was the catalyst for change in my life. He was my lover at a crossroads in my life when I had almost buried my feelings and emotions forever! He was my best friend at a time when I needed to remember what friendship really was! He was the mirror before my face at the moment I desperately needed to see the value of my life, the love I already possessed and the bright and wonderful future ahead of me.
Younger than I, Duncan is an old soul infused with knowledge I most certainly needed to accept and make my own. I fell deeply in love with him which is obvious from my over the top expressions but I also gained a lifelong friend for whom I owe much!
* I wrote this email after Duncan flew back to South Africa...I was grieving!
Dearest Duncan,
I never dreamed that one night could be so long, that I could feel so lost and alone again. The apartment echoes from our days together, the noise is almost unbearable. It was not a wise decision to welcome you here....I neglected to believe that you could impact my heart so profoundly that my home has become a place of painful reminders that you are gone!
My beloved coffee mug has become a traitor to me, it is now Duncan's coffee mug...all I see is your image, holding , sipping, and smiling at me with those adoring eyes. Asking permission to leave my presence to smoke, I follow you as I can not bear to be deprived of your presence.
When did this happen, this melting of my heart....my undoing. When did I carelessly drop the veil of protection to allow the arrow to pierce so deeply. You said that you feel deeply about people and things and I heard but neglected to check my own heart.
For dear Duncan, before you appeared on the Texas beach, my heart lay in a near coma state so wounded and unwilling or unable to produce strong emotions for my sake. Oh, I could move to my family's needs, my children and even my little dog but to believe that I could have room in my scarred soul was unthinkable. Me....I'm only looking for adventure...an experience...possibly a last tango! So deep was the folly that I walked into the lion's den with pork chops tied to my neck!
Now like a small child with a baby tooth dangling in her mouth wanting relief but fearing the consequences of being released from that small piece of ivory, I endure the pain of loss, the fear of the future and yet I regret nothing! How can I add regret to the emotional platter before me ? Look there on the porcelain oval you will find a feast fit for the Queen. On my dinner plate, you heaped before me a bounty I've never been offered before in my lifetime, an arrangement of sweets along with the nutrients everyone needs to be able to blossom and grow. Thank you dear Duncan for laying before the Queen such treasures as no queen has even been gifted.
Now, I go through the stages of withdrawal and as any respectable addict...my darling Duncan...it is painful! Your love is a drug far too powerful to dally with, the taste and smell lingers on. Hearing your voice of control and reason was painful to witness. I longed for you to join with me in my emotional tornado, to rush to my side, or demand I join you but you remained the wise and calm one.
How honorable you are, and under these conditions how strong of character are you! Take a breath Shara, just in and out. I do feel lucky that one of us is showing some restraint and control , so soon I will be able to do that too. Just not right now!
As I finish this long, long Shakespearean email I do feel some measure of ground under my toes. Hearing your voice, holding the items you left for me, sliding the rings on my right ring finger, kissing your ring and putting it away in my treasure box helps me breath again. The heavy weight on my chest in gone and the thoughts of moving through the day seem doable.
Prince Duncan do not forsake your duties because your Queen has let her heart loose, she too has duties to her kingdom and her loyal subjects that must be attended to. She bids you a safe voyage and will welcome you with much celebration when you return to her grateful arms.
With all my love,
Shara
I never dreamed that one night could be so long, that I could feel so lost and alone again. The apartment echoes from our days together, the noise is almost unbearable. It was not a wise decision to welcome you here....I neglected to believe that you could impact my heart so profoundly that my home has become a place of painful reminders that you are gone!
My beloved coffee mug has become a traitor to me, it is now Duncan's coffee mug...all I see is your image, holding , sipping, and smiling at me with those adoring eyes. Asking permission to leave my presence to smoke, I follow you as I can not bear to be deprived of your presence.
When did this happen, this melting of my heart....my undoing. When did I carelessly drop the veil of protection to allow the arrow to pierce so deeply. You said that you feel deeply about people and things and I heard but neglected to check my own heart.
For dear Duncan, before you appeared on the Texas beach, my heart lay in a near coma state so wounded and unwilling or unable to produce strong emotions for my sake. Oh, I could move to my family's needs, my children and even my little dog but to believe that I could have room in my scarred soul was unthinkable. Me....I'm only looking for adventure...an experience...possibly a last tango! So deep was the folly that I walked into the lion's den with pork chops tied to my neck!
Now like a small child with a baby tooth dangling in her mouth wanting relief but fearing the consequences of being released from that small piece of ivory, I endure the pain of loss, the fear of the future and yet I regret nothing! How can I add regret to the emotional platter before me ? Look there on the porcelain oval you will find a feast fit for the Queen. On my dinner plate, you heaped before me a bounty I've never been offered before in my lifetime, an arrangement of sweets along with the nutrients everyone needs to be able to blossom and grow. Thank you dear Duncan for laying before the Queen such treasures as no queen has even been gifted.
Now, I go through the stages of withdrawal and as any respectable addict...my darling Duncan...it is painful! Your love is a drug far too powerful to dally with, the taste and smell lingers on. Hearing your voice of control and reason was painful to witness. I longed for you to join with me in my emotional tornado, to rush to my side, or demand I join you but you remained the wise and calm one.
How honorable you are, and under these conditions how strong of character are you! Take a breath Shara, just in and out. I do feel lucky that one of us is showing some restraint and control , so soon I will be able to do that too. Just not right now!
As I finish this long, long Shakespearean email I do feel some measure of ground under my toes. Hearing your voice, holding the items you left for me, sliding the rings on my right ring finger, kissing your ring and putting it away in my treasure box helps me breath again. The heavy weight on my chest in gone and the thoughts of moving through the day seem doable.
Prince Duncan do not forsake your duties because your Queen has let her heart loose, she too has duties to her kingdom and her loyal subjects that must be attended to. She bids you a safe voyage and will welcome you with much celebration when you return to her grateful arms.
With all my love,
Shara
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