Something awesome brewing...

The nights seem to magnify my fears. The future itself seems to be a fragile dream capable of dissolving at any moment...when the lights are low and the apartment is silent.
All of my demons are self made and kept alive from the low ever present whisperings of my past.
Sometimes I ask for council but mostly, I communicate with myself these days. This blog is my way of sorting out the real from the contrive stuff. True friends and lovers tell me that I'm the only one who doesn't appreciate me! They seem confused to why I have so much self doubt. It's not easy for me to explain or understand myself. I've talked about others disappointing me but I believe the truth is, I'm terribly disappointed in me most of all. What motivated me as a child still burns within as an adult but now I have lost the convenience of time to complete my tasks.
My life as been a series of trade offs and compromises but I always looked forward to the day I could move at my own speed.
So here it is! They called my number and I can finally walk to the counter and order what I want! So why am I so terrified! Why am I trembling with fear of failure now! Hasn't the worst of times already happened to me? Didn't I live and thrive through it all?
Maybe...possibly, I'm just catching my breath before making the most beautiful dive in my life! I do feel something awesome brewing, like that smell of moisture in the air before a much needed spring shower. I can hardly contain my excitement for what's to come.
I'm back to work, doing what I love to do...hopefully inspiring the young to love the arts. This month the kids and I are exploring Asian culture. I have these big plans to create a lion dragon for students to dance with in our Chinese new year parade. I visualize students wearing masks of the 12 Chinese zodiac animals, carrying bright colored paper lanterns, hand painted banners while banging on drums and clashing cymbals. Wish me luck but most of all the energy to prevail. With all my ramblings of self doubt, I amaze myself at my fearlessness for a great project. Maybe I shouldn't worry about satisfying the future but just live the present. Sounds like an unplan! lol
the Queen says Gung Hay Fat Choy!