Another birthday
too many candles to light
my future beckons

New Year, New and Old Goals

My second cup of tea, a boiled egg and some cheese, maybe I should have some fruit too!
I want to make friends with my life as a solitary woman. To make this small abode my sanctuary and not just a closet for my things. The small living area holds my drawing table with no new drawings, an easel with an unfinished painting, a outdoor easel just taking up space with no work buzzing...above in pictures taken two summers ago...in the corner is my pink flowered reading chair next to light source with three books only partially read...stacks of books without the bookcase and a small dining table with a laptop! I'm moving some in that area but a storm is a coming...I know something is brewing within me, stirring up, building up...I want to be released from this slumber!
Rapunzal was trapped in her Tower...I three flights up, see this tiny place as my refuge, my hermitage, my studio, my nest....a test tube to create. I am impatient!

Making Lists

Soon another year has come to it's conclusion. Time has a way of moving around us so quietly that we really don't know it's in the room until it's gone.

Amazingly we focus on the future or look back on the past while the present slips away from our gaze. Making lists seems to be a very traditional way of dealing with letting go of what is over and planning for what we want to create!
Only a few days left of 09...maybe a list of photographs of memories from 2009 would be better!

Holiday hiccup

Woke up feeling ...a tug on my heart. Holidays tend to do that to us even when we have an abundance of love around us.
Just what is it?
Is it lost opportunities? Past passions that fizzled before our eyes? Maybe childhood dreams, that refused to die quietly!
This melancholy sadness locks me inside four walls, it limits my vision for the future and plays only morose musical dirges. Every misfortune, miss step faux pas, I've ever made floods back. Happy voices are mere distance noise in the background while the rattling of chains gets louder and louder. Christmas ghosts collaborate with past, present and future doubts and fear to serenade me into submission. Shut down they chant...retreat they moan...run for your blankets and pillows for comfort. The spirits of past disappointments come once more to steal from me what I should treasure the most...my resolve...my strength...my optimism...my creativity...my soul!
Getting it down on paper or this blog gives me some wiggle room to work myself out of this funk. A new voice begins to speak. This one is calm, loving and patient as she advises me to finish my tea, dress and venture out. "Don't forget your camera love!" she reminds. I'm positive that there are many others waking up the same way, with the same demons. I pray they hear that little voice above the others, for we are our best friend and protector. I have come to love me again...my Christmas gift to me!

It all started with a harmless blog

Somehow and let's say karma lead me to reading a blog and then to starting my own but whatever way it all began, my life changed ? Will I be alone? What's wrong with me that I can't seem to find the right person to share my journey with? All I seem to have was questions and fear for the future!

Road trip # 1: Retreat, retreat and lick your wounds!
Fort Worth, Texas to Key West, Florida in Pinky (1993 Geo Tracker)
I was angry! I had just been dumped at the altar so to speak, well he balked after the dress was bought, the bridal shower at my elementary school, and the wedding invitations had gone out! I thought I would just die from embarrassment then the wild crazy cajun anger took over! First I handed Mike (the dirty rat) a Walmart bag with my wedding dress cut into 3" squares. It was a metaphor dear ones! Second I planned my intended honeymoon for myself, driving through Louisiana stopping in Lafayette and New Orleans (old stompin grounds from college), up the Mississippi Coast to Alabama and Finally to Key West. As the miles added up, I grew in confidence. A few flirtations on the way helped restore some feminine ego but most of my time was about the landscape and the freedom of making my own decisions. I snorkeled above a beautiful reef, sailed and generally soaked up the ocean. A frantic call from my son sent me back to the reality of responsibilities. I eventually married Mike on July 4, the next year. As you might expect, that didn't last and so I moved on.

Road Trip # 2 Rescue Daughter
Girls Road Trip to Texas Coast
Sara , my daughter was an emotional mess, no doubt about it but nothing I did made a change. Different schools, counseling and finally mental hospital stays didn't slow the undoing of my precious baby girl. I was desperate to reach her when I came up with the idea of a road trip. We bleached our hair and made a pinky swear to have fun and off we went. We did have fun, we did get lost (often), she laughed like she use to and I felt alive again. We came to camp out on the north Padre Island national park when my life took another turn.
I woke, looked out the tent to notice a new vehicle parked next to our campsite. Soon I spied a handsome young man with camera equipment taking pictures of the area including some sweet little ground squirrels in front of our tent. That's when I meet Duncan from South Africa and our three week affair began. I felt alive and beautiful again. He imparted much of his spiritual teachings, about karma, about forgiveness, about living a life without regrets. I have so much to thank Duncan for as it was the turning point of my journey. We still communicate although he is back in South Africa and not all fairy tales work out for the damsel in distress as he has moved on..

Road trip #3...First time abroad...Italy
Spring trip with 9 other art teachers to Italy
What can I say but it was miraculous that I had the money, that I got a spot on the roster and that I was in the best frame of mind to visit Italy for the first time. The new digital camera the art department had given me never left my hands as I had gotten the bug bite to photograph from Duncan as well as learning to trust again. Beautiful vistas and making a new and now best friend Mary. She and I were roommates and soon found out we had the same need for adventure and just having fun.

Road trip #4 Singapore
....to be continued...

That's No Plan

So I'm stuck, bogged down in a mire of my own making! Only took me about fifty years to muck it together and now I travel the roads, highways, interstates looking for a direction to the rest of my life.

"Where are you going, Mom?" he said. "Not exactly sure but I want to circle the U.S. and take pictures along the way", I reply. "That's No Plan!", Jeff adds quickly to show his disdain...his disapproval as a grown up son showing concern and love for his (lost her mind) mom.

Doesn't Matter! Made up my mind and backed it up with a non retreat insurance: I gave up my apartment, gave half of what I had away and packed the rest in a 10x15 storage unit. I made arrangements to stay with a teacher friend when I return in August to teach one more year at Waverly Park Elementary!

"Are you coming back?", my principal gushed out after I gleefully informed her of my summer plans. Her eyes were huge, her jaw slightly dropped and she leaned into my space for an answer. It's just like her to think of the school first. I almost laughed out loud but announced of course I would be back. Yet, inside my head, I thought....will something happen to me that will tear the threads that hold me to this place, this lifestyle...this person I no longer identify with?

There it is! I feel like a circus performer entertaining a crowd that hasn't any iota of who or what I'm all about. To find my passion for art again seems like a noble mission but it's more complex or simple than that! I just want to be me again...simply living at my own direction and yes, selfishly.

Will Pinky (my beloved Geo Tracker) be able to bring me far enough away so I can look back in the rear view mirror and want to return? To return changed inside so I can make a transition to a more meaningful life for Shara.

I'm already four weeks into it, so come follow me as I ramble about what I saw, what I thought, who I met and maybe some truths that come from being alone on a unplanned road trip.

Back to Business

Wow...just one more day of teaching, another day to tidy the room and turn in forms and I will be on vacation. I'm overwhelmed at the moment with school, moving and planning my trip but tomorrow I will get my trusty laptop for the district computer hospital...yeah! She lived and I can hardly wait to start editing the pictures I took for the last four months.
I will be checking in more often and adding a blog just for my students as I travel.