Rapunzal's Tower

2010-07-15T23:15:00.000-07:00

I've found a fellow artist that thinks like me....heaven! I'm in love with her thought process...

Jean Shin - Queen of Recycled Art

2010-07-15T23:14:00.000-07:00

Awaken Sweet Memories

2010-07-12T22:05:00.000-07:00

Beautiful Katelyn
Missing the joy of your smile
Awaken memories

Prayers Like Wishes

2010-07-09T21:35:00.000-07:00

my prayers are wishes

thoughts of better outcomes

remorse reflecting a need for change

the hope of redemption

to be cleansed

pure

free from blame

it's a child's plea

Returning

2010-07-05T21:52:00.000-07:00

much has happened in the last year

some pure moments of bliss

sad realizations and reminders that life is not fair

all and all...it's been a worthy fight

someone says

2010-02-04T22:54:00.000-08:00

a friend said... I'm floating
in a transition
need to treat me as I would a lover
an awesome idea that i should be worthy of adoration
worthy of respect
kindness and tenderness
patience and support
to love myself like i have loved my lover...what a concept!

Break out the Tiara

2010-01-25T21:29:00.000-08:00

So now I'm officially 60...
Sixty
ten +ten+ten+ten + ten + ten
years....365 days x 60....
60 minutes x 24 hours x 365 days x 60 years
Where did it all go?
What did I squander it all on?
This journey..quest..trial...adventure..this lark
It's not yet time to tally up...as I'm still gathering up my gold
Break out the tiara...
Queenie is strutting her finest!

2010-01-14T17:53:00.000-08:00

Another birthday
too many candles to light
my future beckons

New Year, New and Old Goals

2010-01-03T12:10:00.000-08:00

My second cup of tea, a boiled egg and some cheese, maybe I should have some fruit too!
I want to make friends with my life as a solitary woman. To make this small abode my sanctuary and not just a closet for my things. The small living area holds my drawing table with no new drawings, an easel with an unfinished painting, a outdoor easel just taking up space with no work buzzing...above in pictures taken two summers ago...in the corner is my pink flowered reading chair next to light source with three books only partially read...stacks of books without the bookcase and a small dining table with a laptop! I'm moving some in that area but a storm is a coming...I know something is brewing within me, stirring up, building up...I want to be released from this slumber!
Rapunzal was trapped in her Tower...I three flights up, see this tiny place as my refuge, my hermitage, my studio, my nest....a test tube to create. I am impatient!

Making Lists

2009-12-30T00:04:00.000-08:00

Soon another year has come to it's conclusion. Time has a way of moving around us so quietly that we really don't know it's in the room until it's gone.

Amazingly we focus on the future or look back on the past while the present slips away from our gaze. Making lists seems to be a very traditional way of dealing with letting go of what is over and planning for what we want to create!
Only a few days left of 09...maybe a list of photographs of memories from 2009 would be better!

Holiday hiccup

2009-12-21T09:42:00.000-08:00

Woke up feeling ...a tug on my heart. Holidays tend to do that to us even when we have an abundance of love around us.
Just what is it?
Is it lost opportunities? Past passions that fizzled before our eyes? Maybe childhood dreams, that refused to die quietly!
This melancholy sadness locks me inside four walls, it limits my vision for the future and plays only morose musical dirges. Every misfortune, miss step faux pas, I've ever made floods back. Happy voices are mere distance noise in the background while the rattling of chains gets louder and louder. Christmas ghosts collaborate with past, present and future doubts and fear to serenade me into submission. Shut down they chant...retreat they moan...run for your blankets and pillows for comfort. The spirits of past disappointments come once more to steal from me what I should treasure the most...my resolve...my strength...my optimism...my creativity...my soul!
Getting it down on paper or this blog gives me some wiggle room to work myself out of this funk. A new voice begins to speak. This one is calm, loving and patient as she advises me to finish my tea, dress and venture out. "Don't forget your camera love!" she reminds. I'm positive that there are many others waking up the same way, with the same demons. I pray they hear that little voice above the others, for we are our best friend and protector. I have come to love me again...my Christmas gift to me!

It all started with a harmless blog

2009-11-24T10:26:00.000-08:00

Somehow and let's say karma lead me to reading a blog and then to starting my own but whatever way it all began, my life changed ? Will I be alone? What's wrong with me that I can't seem to find the right person to share my journey with? All I seem to have was questions and fear for the future!

Road trip # 1: Retreat, retreat and lick your wounds!
Fort Worth, Texas to Key West, Florida in Pinky (1993 Geo Tracker)
I was angry! I had just been dumped at the altar so to speak, well he balked after the dress was bought, the bridal shower at my elementary school, and the wedding invitations had gone out! I thought I would just die from embarrassment then the wild crazy cajun anger took over! First I handed Mike (the dirty rat) a Walmart bag with my wedding dress cut into 3" squares. It was a metaphor dear ones! Second I planned my intended honeymoon for myself, driving through Louisiana stopping in Lafayette and New Orleans (old stompin grounds from college), up the Mississippi Coast to Alabama and Finally to Key West. As the miles added up, I grew in confidence. A few flirtations on the way helped restore some feminine ego but most of my time was about the landscape and the freedom of making my own decisions. I snorkeled above a beautiful reef, sailed and generally soaked up the ocean. A frantic call from my son sent me back to the reality of responsibilities. I eventually married Mike on July 4, the next year. As you might expect, that didn't last and so I moved on.

Road Trip # 2 Rescue Daughter
Girls Road Trip to Texas Coast
Sara , my daughter was an emotional mess, no doubt about it but nothing I did made a change. Different schools, counseling and finally mental hospital stays didn't slow the undoing of my precious baby girl. I was desperate to reach her when I came up with the idea of a road trip. We bleached our hair and made a pinky swear to have fun and off we went. We did have fun, we did get lost (often), she laughed like she use to and I felt alive again. We came to camp out on the north Padre Island national park when my life took another turn.
I woke, looked out the tent to notice a new vehicle parked next to our campsite. Soon I spied a handsome young man with camera equipment taking pictures of the area including some sweet little ground squirrels in front of our tent. That's when I meet Duncan from South Africa and our three week affair began. I felt alive and beautiful again. He imparted much of his spiritual teachings, about karma, about forgiveness, about living a life without regrets. I have so much to thank Duncan for as it was the turning point of my journey. We still communicate although he is back in South Africa and not all fairy tales work out for the damsel in distress as he has moved on..

Road trip #3...First time abroad...Italy
Spring trip with 9 other art teachers to Italy
What can I say but it was miraculous that I had the money, that I got a spot on the roster and that I was in the best frame of mind to visit Italy for the first time. The new digital camera the art department had given me never left my hands as I had gotten the bug bite to photograph from Duncan as well as learning to trust again. Beautiful vistas and making a new and now best friend Mary. She and I were roommates and soon found out we had the same need for adventure and just having fun.

Road trip #4 Singapore
....to be continued...

That's No Plan

2009-07-12T11:49:00.000-07:00

So I'm stuck, bogged down in a mire of my own making! Only took me about fifty years to muck it together and now I travel the roads, highways, interstates looking for a direction to the rest of my life.

"Where are you going, Mom?" he said. "Not exactly sure but I want to circle the U.S. and take pictures along the way", I reply. "That's No Plan!", Jeff adds quickly to show his disdain...his disapproval as a grown up son showing concern and love for his (lost her mind) mom.

Doesn't Matter! Made up my mind and backed it up with a non retreat insurance: I gave up my apartment, gave half of what I had away and packed the rest in a 10x15 storage unit. I made arrangements to stay with a teacher friend when I return in August to teach one more year at Waverly Park Elementary!

"Are you coming back?", my principal gushed out after I gleefully informed her of my summer plans. Her eyes were huge, her jaw slightly dropped and she leaned into my space for an answer. It's just like her to think of the school first. I almost laughed out loud but announced of course I would be back. Yet, inside my head, I thought....will something happen to me that will tear the threads that hold me to this place, this lifestyle...this person I no longer identify with?

There it is! I feel like a circus performer entertaining a crowd that hasn't any iota of who or what I'm all about. To find my passion for art again seems like a noble mission but it's more complex or simple than that! I just want to be me again...simply living at my own direction and yes, selfishly.

Will Pinky (my beloved Geo Tracker) be able to bring me far enough away so I can look back in the rear view mirror and want to return? To return changed inside so I can make a transition to a more meaningful life for Shara.

I'm already four weeks into it, so come follow me as I ramble about what I saw, what I thought, who I met and maybe some truths that come from being alone on a unplanned road trip.

Back to Business

2009-06-04T22:00:00.000-07:00

Wow...just one more day of teaching, another day to tidy the room and turn in forms and I will be on vacation. I'm overwhelmed at the moment with school, moving and planning my trip but tomorrow I will get my trusty laptop for the district computer hospital...yeah! She lived and I can hardly wait to start editing the pictures I took for the last four months.
I will be checking in more often and adding a blog just for my students as I travel.

Taking a Journey

2009-06-01T18:04:00.000-07:00

I'm ready, it's my time, my moment
to free up the bottled genie
allow the creative muse her way
explore, experiment, explode, exercise, energize__become centered.

I'm ready, it's my time to extend my heart to another
to walk alongside sharing what comes
no lies, no pretenses, no masks, no holding back__no regrets

I'm ready, it's the moment to unleash this powerful need to live life totally open_ to celebrate each blessing and honor my past

I'm ready, it's my karmic push to step out to the now!
There's this ache to embrace
that empty hollow place that holds me captive waiting for you.

To be lonely doesn't explain my predicament__
it's a false assumption that I have no one or that I'm eager to accept anyone to fill an empty chair!

I only wait for you
the one who needs no persuading _the only who accepts my quirky ways and contradictions in behavior.
You will be my last lover
my long awaited partner and companion.

I'm ready_ it's our time for the gods are drawing us nearer thru complicated and curious situations
across the miles
across a lifetime of almost_but not quite
I'm ready for that!

The Vagina Monologues of Fort Worth, Texas

2009-03-23T20:51:00.000-07:00

Friendships Sealed Through the Arts

2009-03-23T20:45:00.000-07:00

All for a Worthwhile Cause!

2009-03-23T20:32:00.000-07:00

Beautiful souls blend
joyfully singing the truth
women embracing

Going Cowgirl in Cowtown!

2009-03-20T12:31:00.000-07:00

Pull on those Tony Lama boots
Blue jeans, tiny suede halter top and Cocho belt
Three faithful friends gather to join
Z.Z. Top and Billy Bob Thorton at the infamous Billy Bob's of Fort Worth, Texas

Long neck beers, long legged cowboys, long long bathroom lines
Everyone has the same plan
All is here to remember younger days
Or hoping to understand the warm feelings for two funky bearded guys in Cheap Sunglasses!

Bounce with the bass, sing and shout out loud "Just want some Touch!"
We the hippie 60's/70's return to our youth
Again you're driving with the top down, Z.Z. blaring, pushing you thru that summer day
And then the last beat hits, lights leave the stage...we return to reality aching for a Touch!

Thinking out loud

2009-02-08T08:53:00.000-08:00

Everyone wants someone, nobody wants to be the last one left....gotta be someone for me out there! ....the song plays thru, voicing out my own personal needs, my very personal fears of being alone forever!
How is that possible, me, ever being alone with this big beautiful family I help create and the friends who have been so soulfully there for me.
With each day, I've awakened to a new knowledge about who Shara is and who she is evolving into. Never did I believe, at 59 I would be saying that" this is the most exciting time of my life." I had a lifetime of nurturing, giving and caring for others behind me, strengthening me now on my self focused journey of discovering the woman I am. Looking in the mirror, I can trace the past on my face and body...each memory good or bad has impacted on my psyche to mold who speaks here.
She is so very strong, having weathered, survived and triumphed many trials. Her heart is still pure, still capable of passionate and powerful love. She is ever changing, growing, learning, ever craving for more. More experiences, more images that beg to be recorded, more to learn and just more chances to exchange the inextinguishable light she holds inside with a stranger.
I like this woman! I love that she has a struggle with numbers, continually gets lost while driving, has never met a stranger and can't spell worth a damn. I can't wait to see what she does next!

New Season

2009-01-04T12:40:00.000-08:00

Got a list of things I wanna do
got some ideas for me to make real
wanna shake up my world and change routine
need to follow this desire for adventure and learning

Some might say it's a sign of mid-life crisis
a woman unhappy with the march of time
anyone could comment that my life is already busy
full...complete...finished cycle

But every soul has it's own rhythm ...a beat unique to itself
no one else owes my skin or feels the weight of my bones or the tension in the muscles
my thoughts travel in circles, in all directions from the past, the now and forward
I am confident that I am not finished building me!

So block by block, I choose to create new rooms in my castle
strengthen the walls that have weathered so many storms and attacks from invaders
I've drained the moat and let down the heavy armoured gate
the walls are festooned with beautiful memories, tables laden with my best fruits and flowers to welcome all

There is music playing in the long corridors
laughter and merriment echoes throughout
Queenie's life is entering another wonderful season
no regrets....learn.....move forward

A New Year's Blessing

2009-01-01T22:35:00.000-08:00

I wish for you a blessing
a thought that only you are aware of
something that gives your life meaning
a secret desire to be answered by the gods

I wish for you contentment
to enjoy each moment with great delight
record everything forever in your heart
then replay for all the dark days that will come

I wish for you certain knowledge
that you are important
that you are treasured
that you are loved by someone who understands your value

Queenie '09

16 miles in two days!

2008-11-23T20:52:00.000-08:00

It's amazing!
Gliding in the water on a crisp fall morning, everything is still and available to the eyes. I'm kayaking down the Nunez's River in Corpus Christie, Texas with two expert kayakers. Kenneth Johnson, my teacher and mentor is opening a new door for me. Apparently he is the pide piper for many newbie kayakers who come to him for instructions or a look see into a sport that seems exotic and difficult to learn.
"You'll drown girl, turning upside down", my friends said. "Those things are hard to balance!"
Well...gosh gee whiz, I guess I've finally found my sport. I took to it quickly and amazingly quite easily....don't get me wrong, I've yet to do an turn over but I'm not afraid for that to come! Kenneth is so positive and patience with all his students. He seems to have a huge female success rate which I can understand quite well. He's comfortable and kind! So rare to find someone of pure motives to promote the sport in a humble empowering way...a girl can't help but rise to the occasion.
Life is good!

2008-11-08T08:12:00.000-08:00

My baby, my youngest has moved out!
With all the drama, with all the tears and worry wrought nights...I'm still so sad.
I fear for her happiness, her success as a semi-adult but maybe I fear more that she doesn't need her Mom any longer.
At best, my nerves are healing with the lack of conversations, confrontations, rude comments and high pitch retorts, " I'll do it later, OK!" but I still look for the trail of dirty glasses and plates, the soiled towels on the floor and missing makeup.
Transitions in life...are they any less difficult than sudden endings?

My life cycle is in it's natural order...I'm no longer needed to be a caretaker of children. What's next is hard to determine as emotion clouds my thoughts. I naturally reach out for someone to comfort me, to fill the void. I'm starting to sense the meaning of the empty nest! Oh, how I had feathered my nest so well with six chicks, extending the time gap til I felt like an enigma. What to do with Queenie? What to do with the rest of my life?

planted about fifty plus plants on and about my balcony, landings and walls of my new townhouse

I joined a digital photography meet up group

booked a kayak trip at Thanksgivings time

volunteered to demo painting with pastels at a art night for fellow teacher

turning Sara's room into a studio...ex bringing back my art table

going to a jazz club tonight with art pal, Rachael

I guess I'll just have to grow...

I love you, Sara...I'll always be here for you, Mommie!

A Change Be A'comin'

2008-10-18T21:04:00.000-07:00

It's been sometime since I've blogged. There has been too many events in my small world. Nevertheless a change is coming upon me, I can feel it but I can't perceive what IT is!

My summer was full of intrigue, cultures I've only read about, broken romance, friendship put to the test, parenthood sheared beyond recognition and just a tiny clue of who I am or who I can be.

Now, it's back to work, teaching and reaching for that butterfly called "the learning moment"! As the classroom fills with those tiny faces, I do know who and where I belong...at that moment but when the last student crosses the threshold of my door to the outside, I feel empty again.
Why do I feel so empty? How could a woman with six children of her own "who obviously love her", an excepting family "who also loves her", friends, colleagues and the various interested guy or two who wish to remain in her life.........WHY? Why do I feel as though something is missing?

I don't know how to explain it any other way but a since of loss or a forgotten element in my world. If I continue the way I am now, I will surely lose interest and end my days weakly recognizing a gap.

I think, I've finally run out of excuses, run out of time to procrastinate and put it off till the time is perfect. The time to finish my lifelong dream to be an artist in the truest since of the word. I want to pop on a purple beret and swagger about a studio cluttered with the smell of paint and wet canvases. On the walls, I would see photographs of places and people and objects I captured in my adventures. Drawings of my children, their children and their children piled in corners. Things made from clay, from fiber, from wood, from metal and my imagination fills any space available. I want to create!

Chaotic Blessings

2008-09-08T18:35:00.000-07:00

Dearest Ones,

I'm in the depths of a mire, a turning churning chaotic blessing called life. It matters not what the details are or whether or not I'm deserving of mishap or a victim of bad karma...it is the human struggle evolving.

Of course, I'm whining, complaining to someone or maybe no one at all in cyberspace bloggerland. It is good for me to see the words, letter by letter, words into sentence then paragraph and perhaps a meaningful conclusion that is tangible proof that I feel. I feel therefore I breathe...therefore I'm making a ripple in the big pond.

So many times I have felt alone with my thoughts and with my roller coaster emotions. How often I have coveted the hard heart of those you spear my heart like small perch in a shallow pond. To be able to only think of yourself, to be ruthless and regret only that you hadn't grabbed more from the cookie jar. I sometimes wish to be without that tiny fellow on my shoulder, the one who points out the plight of others. "Do the right thing, Shara...be pure of heart, try to be better."

Today I felt betrayed or more realistic, used at work then I rushed through rush hour to save the day, put out the fire for someones folly. Super Mommy to the rescue!

I returned to the nest to be falsely charged. I couldn't hold back the bottled up anger and so I vented on an innocent party. I retained my dignity without vulgar words or actions but still...she didn't deserved her workday to end like mine did!

The little voice wins again as I feel full force the remorse for hurting another. I just can't seem to enjoy being a bitch even when I fully earned the right. Hopefully I will have to opportunity to ask for forgiveness...chaotic blessings to understand I'm still to be humbled.

Sleeves Rolled Up...Back to Work!

2008-09-04T18:59:00.000-07:00

My summer seemed eternal. The stars were aligned for me to travel and absorb all that came near. The travel was a journey within a journey where I learned more about myself than anyone or anything I embraced.

Coming home to a guest art teacher from Italy opened another opportunity for growth again. Funny to realize I learned more about Fort Worth trying to entertain my guest and friend Elena than the nine years I've lived and worked here.

I reconnected with my family in Texarkana, Texas and visited Bindi in Arkansas. All around it was a very full and eventful summer that has spilled out to the future. I stay in contact with my sweet sister/friend Marie in Singapore as does my daughter with her son, Nez. I do believe in fairy tales, you should know that about me by now. So I hold my thoughts close that she (Sara) and he (Nez) might beat the odds on long distance romances...that they retain this sweet first love and be reunited again in the near future. I would be so happy to have him in my family.

At the moment, I have another house guests who are thriving and making progress for a new life. If you can guess who this is...please accept thanks for all the help given and be assured that everything is being done that can be done to bring happiness back.

Tomorrow will be the end of a two week session with 1/2 of my art students...then two more weeks for the rest of the school. This year the numbers are up again with more than 825 little brushes to inspire. I haven't lost my passion for teaching...in fact the trips and summer interludes inspired a renewed burning to do a better job but I'm overwhelmed by the shear numbers. Thirty-four kindergarten students in one class....well, let's say I can't turn my back! We have a deaf education program at our school...the only place a deaf child goes for elementary education in the FWISD....so the aide I have for Kinder in a deaf aide! God knows I love her and don't want to be bias but....she doesn't wear a hearing aide, reads lips and doesn't voice! I think she understands but often not...at least I do have someone to take the wee ones to wee wee ( as that is a real problem when your classroom is the furthermost from the school behind the gym & no bathroom).. Sorry I guess, I'm venting a bit! Still..I love teaching art and for the most part I'm left alone. Sort of, "Out of sight, Out of Mind" working for me. I have five 45 minute classes, back to back (no lead time) then a 30 minute lunch...another class followed by my conference period 45 minutes ( I call...God, I have to Pee Pee Time) at 1:15....then 2:00 is the last class of the day, my oldest group (the 5th graders) hormones and all. I surely love them but at the end of the day, they'll pretty burned out and I'm getting thin on charm! lol Nevertheless, I've decided to push myself for more challenging project for them, to get them involved in an after school Art Club and offer more one on one with the special ones. You remember them ( I was one of those)...kinda sad, a bit lost and needing to fit in somewhere. Just wanting someone to acknowledge that you're worthy of the time to listen.

It's a wish, I have to be a better person...to improve my mind, my heart and test my resilience. Wish me luck...no, I need some heartfelt prayers to lift me to be my strongest and most patient...so many are depending on me.

Queenie

Views on the Singapore River

2008-08-04T14:59:00.000-07:00

Strolling along the river your confronted with the impact of the modern highrise buildings and the historic relics from British Rule.

Open market at Little India, Singapore

2008-08-03T22:04:00.000-07:00

savory spices
flagrance blossoms hung in rows
little India

Trying to get my groove back!

2008-07-31T20:40:00.000-07:00

A trip half way around the world and I'm still not enlightened!
I'm still grappling with what to do with a rebellious teenager and what direction should I go in next? As soon as the plane touched down in Texas, I remembered...I'm really in Kansas! Spending a month in another country only postponed thinking about the future. No matter how exciting and beautiful everything was, I still have some serious decisions to make about moving forward.
It's hard to decipher just what or how the trip or summer impacted on my life...but something has happened. Tomorrow I plan to attend a paint the fence graffiti event at my hippie buddy Mary's house. This is one of the good things that has occurred...."I've found the value of having female friends in my life." Marie (my hostess in Singapore) taught me the importance of having same gender friends along with the men in your life. All through the conversations with women of Malay, Chinese, Indonesian, Indian and Black cultures, friendship with another female during the tough times was their saving grace. I promised Maria that I would be more considerate of my fellow girlfriends and spend more time with them. So Friday is Mary's house and Saturday I drive to Texarkana, Texas to see family. I need to see my Mom, brother, sister, daughter and sons....I need to reconnect. After visiting family, I will go to Arkansas to visit a sweet friend who needs some cheering up. I sure hope I can do that. I have something from Singapore I bought especially for her in Little India.
It's late...I'm out of practice writing so I'll put the spellchecker on and close til later.
Queenie is going home!

Just Alittle Bit Longer

2008-06-26T09:32:00.000-07:00

So here I am, in Singapore, one of the most diverse and exotic countries in the world. Everyday is one more day of lessons on culture, on visual banquets, on stimulating my taste buds and opening my mind to the idea that the world really isn't beyond my reach.
Each day I gather more courage to explore Singapore on my own. With the help of my kind and generous hostess, Maria and her good friend, Sofie...I can take the MRT (train) & bus system, as I have my own card. Equipped with a Singtel phone and Malay money, I roam the island in search of beautiful pictures. I have witnessed three traditional weddings and a birthday party. I can Salome (Malay gesture of greetings to show respect) and know a few Malay words. For sure, I can tell by the tone if something is up! lol
Yesterday, I rode the train downtown to Raffles City (another enormous shopping center) then walked around to the historic buildings of the British influence of which the famous Raffles Hotel was built in the late 1800's. The hotel was completely restored in 1991 to it's original glory. I walked about, up & down the verandas that circle the building taking pics, visited the many upscale shops inside, poked my nose at the some eight or so restaurants & bars within and stopped a bit at two of the in house museums. Since it was early in the afternoon and a weekday, I seemed to have free range...so I just strolled about as if I was a guest! It was a magical time for me to feel the spirit of the place and imagine what it must have been like to be from the upper class taking a holiday.
Well, I magically took my upper class self to the train station and rode back with thousands of others to the real world.
I'm doing some hard thinking about my life and it's boundaries I've placed on it. The world isn't closed to us...we close ourselves off from exploring the world. What and where is karma leading Queenie? Will I be content to stay in Fort Worth? Is this journey meant to entice me to travel or is it meant to satisfy my childhood curiosity for the unknown?
Mostly to satisfy my daughter's boyfriend than my need to an answer...we (Sara & I) were asked to extend our stay til July 11th. It will require some juggling of bill paying via online and a huge favor from my daughter-in-law but stay, we will. I've slowed my search for photo opts and just enjoying the journey, one step at a time.
I must admit, I do miss my own turf and family but I think this time will change me for the better.
Love to you all...Shara

Girl Roadtrip Gone Global

2008-06-11T08:32:00.000-07:00

Last summer, Sara and I took a Girls Road trip down the Texas coast for 8 days. It was my effort to draw her closer to me, to bridge the turmoil that had plagued our relationship since she turned 14. Somewhere between Port Aransas and Galveston Island, we bonded anew. We bonded as women and girls (mine is still very much alive thank you) on a fun adventure. Together we learned we could take care of ourselves, have fun and getting lost seemed to be more fun than driving directly to the spot. lol She & I still recount the highlights, the goofy things I did (getting lost regularly) and the accomplishments (one for her, learning to wind surf).

Now another opportunity has jumped in our laps. Her boyfriend Niz lives in Singapore. He has made two trips to visit with us along with his brother. Now we are on our way to Singapore for two weeks to spend time with his entire family and his mother's husband to be (who flew ahead of us last week). It's the trip of a lifetime and I know how lucky I am to share this with my daughter. Again the Girls Road trip is on...what wonderful firsts we will share forever! Memories do last forever, especially the unpleasant ones so the thought of being apart of her first trip abroad is mind blowing! My artsy part will be in Art History 101 heaven and so the camera will be my constant companion. Niz is so excited to show us his beloved country & so he should...actually Sara couldn't care less for the history or art but just wants to be with him. Yeah, I remember those days of being in LOVE...but I'm in love with my camera at the moment! lol Niz is taking us to a traditional Malaysian wedding (what luck is that!) and a birthday party (probably involving a nightclub). I hope to bring home lots of memories, photos and art ideas for the new school year. Definitely going to pass this on to my students. Do wish me luck at gathering the right material, not getting lost and being a good guest to our hostess, Maria. Since she will be marrying a Texan from Houston, I had a charm bracelet made up for her (silver with a tiny cowboy hat, the shape of Texas and the word Howdy). We can add to it as time goes on...hopefully!

Well, I'm doing everything but packin...guess who hates packing!

Poetry...."An Invitation"

2008-05-31T10:15:00.001-07:00

make this time with me holy

blanket your arms around my soul

together we are measured by our passion

leap to new hopes and dreams with me

take off your protective garments and reveal what no one else has see before

I am no one to fear

I pledge to be your protector, your buffer from the storms

join me now to create this grand vision

a world supported by an open and kind heart

stretch out your arms to include me

broaden you mind to hold my thoughts with yours

together let us weave a spiritual bond and search for a place to settle

Up to My Elbows in Clay...

2008-05-29T16:13:00.001-07:00

...up to my elbows in clay.....

...our art classroom (we call it the studio, even has a sign over the door) is humming with happy children

...tiny hands squeezing bits of clay into expressions of whimsy

...the happy music is playing on the teacher's boom box ( the one she exchanged for her wedding rings at the pawn shop nine years ago

...it's a messy task creating something from a little lump of sticky earth

...his little face transfixed as he reshapes the sea turtle's mouth, adds a bit of a smirk, she thinks...not unlike his own when he's in his mischievous mood

...little Sandra is frustrated with her sunflower medallion, not delicate enough, she thinks but her art teacher says it's beautiful and Sandra glows

...it's the messy stuff in life that generates the sweetest rewards...gifts for our soul that keep us and sustain us through the tough times

..I'm up to my elbows in clay...the kind you scoop from the earth at the waters edge and the kind you scoop up and wrap in a blanket to love and nurture

...today my studio rocked with happy content pieces of clay...what will they become in the future?

... Will they remember there days with me fondly?

... Will they remember the sensation of wet malleable clay between their fingers and the art teacher who thought their creations were fabulous?

"I ride my bike, I rollerskate...don't ride no car"

2008-05-25T13:10:00.000-07:00

"I don't go too fast but I go pretty far."...lyrics from a song in the 70's I think but really appropriate now with the price of gas as it is. I can remember driving to New Orleans from Lafayette, La on a whelm with only $7 dollars to my name. That was the good old 70's and now I'm careful to drive to the grocery store.
I bought myself a new ...old style bike similar to the first two wheel bike I received for Christmas when I was twelve. Damn I was proud of that bike and still have a vintage picture standing next to it. I'll try to scan it in later. My brother David got one too. Since we were only eleven months apart, my mother sort of treated us like twins with matching outfits and milestones in life. Our first bikes, transistor radios, even rings one year....funny how some things stand out in your mind. I was comforted in the fact he didn't get makeup when I turned 15...lol.

Back to gas and the price we pay for the greed of some.
I wanted to visit my friend, Pat in Port Aransas but the cost of the travel and Singapore trip so soon...I had to be practical even though I really wanted to be "Girls just wanna have fun". Then talking with my mom in Texarkana, Texas, I grew lonesome and thought I could run down for a visit and then go visit Bindi who I promised to visit. The truth is the cost of even short trips can wreck modest budgets as my meager teacher's salary certainly falls into that category. Being a single parent with no one else to fall back on puts a kink in the chain....

and back to alternative methods of travel. Chain...bike chain...lol. Well, I plan to ride my vintage bike to work! Yes, I know it's daring at my age but I'll do a test run tomorrow to see how long it will take me. Puff...puff and sweaty! Today I'll drive the car thru the route to gage the mileage as it is really close to my apartment. Let's look at it as a Quest to improve my cash flow and physical well being. My legs could use some toning up and biking will help my overall exercise plan. I don't really need to lose weight as I'm a size 4 but it does look like the skin could use some muscle under it to improve the look! lol I hate the changes in my overall body tone so I hope to regain the muscle I loss from surgery and the life crazies for the past five years.
Wish me luck making it to work on time! How are you coping with the price of gas? How are you coping with the aging process? It's all about transitions...isn't it!

Back it up...turn around....let's try that direction!

2008-05-24T20:55:00.000-07:00

So I just waited and hoped for the best! Not everything works out smoothly and so my newest episode is not surprising. My youngest daughter had been staying with my oldest son and family. He and his wife were having a rough spell and his wife called me to complain and enlist help with my son. "Warning moms....don't do what I did!" I called my very angry and emotional son. Bad Move for Mom. Not a good conversation followed with the couple bonding at being angry with me! Serves me right, I suppose going to my daughter-n-law's defense and telling my son he was acting like a -ss .

So the results are: No calls to Grandmother this weekend BUT....Sara is home again!

She asked to come home and agreed to get counseling and clean her room! lol

But wait ...it gets better, Sara and I are going to Singapore for two weeks in June. Crazy cool it is that her Singapore boyfriend's mom has invited me and Sara for a visit . It's an incredible journey to share with my daughter and I can only believe it will draw us closer together. At the very least, we will share a twenty three hour flight times 2, changing planes three times, three cities before Singapore....all the drama that comes with international travel and of course...we're experiencing so much together for the first time.

God is so good...so unpredictable and surprisingly creative!

2008-05-20T16:04:00.000-07:00

All alone...at last...maybe?

For some months now, I've thought about the idea of being on my own. To be without children to care for and have my time to divide into parts that I deem fit. What grand ideas I had for the day to arrive when I could do just what I wanted to do!

Unfortunately the day came earlier than I expected and in a way that left me feeling remorseful instead of rejoicing. My youngest daughter at seventeen decided to live on her own and with a little help from her friends did just that. It was horrible to be helpless and without control to keep her from destroying her life before it's really begun. Fortunately for me, I was blessed with six children, five that are older and on their own who interceded on her and my behalf. "Don't worry, Mom," my oldest son, Kristain said, "I'll talk to her and watch over her".

Somehow, he talked her into moving in with him and his wife where she watches their youngest daughter, Hannah. She's not in school and that is killing me....how can I have failed her? She wants to get a GED instead of High School Diploma which again is devastating to me but I have to ask myself an important question. Will it change my love for Sara if she doesn't follow my path, if she chooses a different way? Do I accept her for her strengths or struggle to try to force or control her into doing the RIGHT THING? What is the right thing? I don't know anymore if the standard answers apply as all I want is to be her mom still!

So I count my blessings! Sara isn't pregnant, she isn't drinking or on drugs or in jail. She's not trying to harm others or herself....she just can't handle school in the traditional way right now. At the moment, she's learning a good lesson of what living on your own can mean. I recently took her to lunch...Burger King was her choice and she was grateful. I bought her some personal products for that time of the month and she thanked me. I handed her eight one dollar bills which was all the cash I had at the time and she hugged me saying I was the best mom ever.

I don't feel like the best mom ever...I feel like a complete failure at times but I do see the value of god taking things over. Being in the awful position of absolute no control is a humbling experience and yet I see the learning curve of accepting what I can not control which is pretty much everything outside of my own doing. I can control my actions, my emotions (to a point) and reactions to what life throws my way. What am I going to do? Nothing for the time being....I'm going to wait for guidance.

I love my children dearly but I'm out of energy and resources to solve their dilemmas ...maybe I just need to listen and wait for them to pick up the shovel to dig out themselves!

Main Street Arts Festival

2008-04-26T23:06:00.001-07:00

2008-04-26T16:12:00.000-07:00

There are a few events in my city that I look forward to, one of them is the annual Main Street Art Festival. Every year the white tents are pitched in the middle of downtown and people fill the streets to enjoy listening to music on three stages, art on display in every imaginable genre and of course the festival food and drink.

I particularly enjoy the huge smoked turkey legs which gives everyone eating them a medieval appearance. Oh, the curly fries, dipping dots...and this year "Vegetable Stir Fry"! Yup, in Texas something that's actually good for you.

I of course turned in my 12 tickets (that's how they get you and make sure the event gets it's cut from the vendors...you have to buy tickets to purchase your food and drinks with)...like I said, I turned in my 12 tickets for a heaping box of vegan fry. Grabbing a set of chopsticks, I stroll through the art and music before me. It was a fine weekend indeed. You don't always have to leave home to discover something wondrous.

My favorite part of the festival is always watching the people taking in the event. There are couples on dates (you can tell that right away from the nervous body language if they don't know each other that well or being slightly overdressed for the street). Of course the families are out in great numbers with children in tow, trying to fill up gaps of culture into little heads. You can spot them 'cause their kids have painted cherub faces with fanciful masks from the children's art area. Having your face painted is a really big deal for the kids and a really big pain for the parents waiting in ungodly long lines for their little one to become a fantasy creature. This group has a side issue as they come with every sporty stroller imaginable, some even have double occupancy and so you must be vigilant when walking among them as they often claim the right of way. A girl could easily be run over and left on the street helpless among the paper cups and corny dog sticks! I always cross to the other side if time permits.

I shouldn't forget our four legged friends and any other exotic pets a Texan is willing to drag to an outdoor event so he or she will get noticed. Yes, I got a problem with people dragging their pets to these events! I have had long conversations with my own dog but he refused to discuss art with me because he thinks I'm to opinionated. Anyway...I just think it's stupid and cruel to subject them to the heat and dress them in ridiculous outfits. It's like the owners need an arena to display their pet/egos...but I do look and sometimes comment "how cute", so what does that say about my ego?

There's the over fifty set,me included... walking slowing through the exhibits in thought provoking conversation about this artist's influence on that artist or "I could do that" or "How do they decide the prices?"...they might buy a few pieces but it's mostly for a pleasant day out. There's the teenagers whom roam about looking for people to be looking at them...(actually they are quite fun to observe, so fearless in behavior and fashion).

Did I leave out anyone? Oh, yes the group that come to any free outdoor event where there's music and alcohol! That group hangs around the stages and the beer concessions in packs, checking out the opposite sex whose is doing the exact same thing until the two groups join forces into a happy inebriated pack. All is simpatico...all is light and simple. It's amazing to witness how beautifully we humans can tolerate each other's company in the right place at the right time. I think it's the vibes from the art...the creative leftovers one receives from just viewing a good piece of art or listening to some great music or witnessing talent...it just seems to seep into us and for a time we are free from our worries, our troubles or whatevers...we're just content to be!

What I Like about Me!

2008-04-21T21:17:00.000-07:00

Suzanne has challenged me, us to think about ourselves and examine what it is we like about ourselves. It's a daunting task to peer into a clouded mirror to look for unblemished areas. As a women of maturity, I see mostly flaws and often those are exaggerated beyond recognition. I have for decades seen my nose in comparison to Rembrandt's rosy ballooned snout! Which leads me to the misconceptions of our mind when we look at ourselves through a veil of emotion.

So tonight I choose to focus on my most prized attribute, my spirit and soul.

I have weathered many disappointments, betrayals and sad events but nothing had kept my heart from wanting to continue to love my fellow human. I cling desperately to my right to be happy with what I have, with my lot in life, with my belief that good is among us and I must search it out daily! My spirit soars with a returned smile, a gogerous piece of nature and those daily happy moments we take for granted or ignor altogether. I love being a Pollyanna, I want to remain that way and so I fight to keep my joy wherever I can find it.

It is my unwavering belief that there is goodness to be scooped up in this most tainted world we busy ourselves in...if we're looking for it!

More Port A....More Nautical Stuff...

2008-04-17T16:22:00.000-07:00

moving quietly

nature bides us to observe

peace within our gaze

Welcomed Weekend Away

2008-04-16T21:23:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I was feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders and a terrible desire to runaway from all responsibility, disappointments and of course the things in life you cannot control. Fortunately for me, I have a wonderful friend in Port Aransas, Texas who lives in his sailboat and who didn't mind a sudden house(boat) guest for the weekend. Pat was a fantastic host and gentleman in every way. I felt so spoiled after only two days, it was very hard not to call in sick, just to stay alittle longer. Here's a few pictures which speak volumes for the beauty that is Port Aransas and may explain why I always love the ocean and Pat has a special place in my heart! Thanks Captain Pat for the wee sailing lesson...can't wait to learn more.

More from the Park and an explanation

2008-04-08T22:47:00.000-07:00

i hide behind my camera

it covers the loneliness and awkwardness I feel

each snapshot converts a single moment of pleasure into a forever memory

i gather visual memories to comfort myself though this lost period

i have always stored beautiful pictures whether they be scribblings as a child on lined school paper, sketches of pastels and pens as a young art student, lines and splashes of color on canvas as a teacher, and of course the most complex of all...the use of words to attempt to paint an emotion or moment in one's life.

with every exploration, i grow

with every mistake or success, i learn

i think I'm finally learning to love me again!

Something to Do on Sunday!

2008-04-07T15:17:00.000-07:00

As of late, I've had some choice on what I can do with my time. This has actually turned into huge problem as I've haven't had very much experience at having free time for myself. For the last 30 something years, I have had a plateful of options for my time but all related to being a wife, a mother, a daughter and or a teacher. It seem to run it's own agenda, MY LIFE...from crisis, must be done, could be done later or it would be nice to have it done this century!

Now that the youngest has more important people to attend to or more interesting activities than hang with Mom....I'm on my own! Fortunately for me, I have the perfect foil with my trusty digital camera. I just pretend "in my mind" to being on an important photo shoot, possibly for National Geographic or Gardens of America then let the creative flair rip! Getting lost behind a lens is like stopping time while I have a mental conversation about lighting, composition or focal point. People will strike up conversations, babies will smile and animals just seem to perform for the camera. It's a coward's way out for me as I use the camera like a robber's mask taking bits and pieces from unsuspecting subjects.
These pictures are from my something to do on Sunday, yesterday at the Fort Worth Botantical Gardens and Japanese Gardens...one of my favorite haunts!
Hope you enjoy!

The Power of Flowers

2008-04-05T18:31:00.000-07:00

This isn't original but worthy of reprinting since it is Springtime!

Flowers play an important role in our daily lives. Research indicates that people feel more compassionate, have less worry and anxiety, and feel less depressed when around fresh-cut flowers. The Home Ecology of Flowers Study at Harvard uncovered these findings:

Flowers feed compassion. Study participants who lived with fresh-cut flowers felt an increase in feelings of compassion and kindness.

Flowers chase away anxieties, worries and the blues. Overall, study participants simply felt less negative after being around flowers for just a few days. Participants reported wanting to see the blooms first thing in the morning.

Flowers provide an energy boost, happiness and enthusiasm. The study found that people were more likely to feel happier and have more enthusiasm and energy at work when flowers were in their home living environments.

View Near The Castle of Rossena

2008-04-03T21:14:00.000-07:00

Baby Bella!

2008-04-02T15:54:00.000-07:00

It was a very pleasant day in an Italian park in Parma with many people relaxing mid-day. A gentleman on his cell phone glances occasionally at my friend Shelly and I as we sit on a concrete ledge below a massive honorarium. Shelly was opening a bottle of vino, something local and spreading out a lunch of cheese, bread and fruit while I set to my pencils and paper. I was sketching the ancient fort at the base of the park when this little charmer came up for a look see! She smiled and spoke baby Italian of which I didn't really comprehend but I did understand that she was an admirer. I used the few Italian words I knew, pointing to her "Bella"...beautiful and "per favore" please and "graztie" thankyou, as I snapped these pictures of her. She seemed pleased, smiled and almost curtsied then off she trotted to her Mama!

A Walk About in Reggio Emilia, Italy

2008-03-28T17:56:00.000-07:00

ancient buildings cuddled together creating intimate paths

patina of faded and peeling pastel colors paints their walls

arches over windows, over walkways, over doorways leads your eyes astray

arrangements of fruit and vegetables like a painter's still life in every shop

gelato stands beckoning you to ponder, choose then sample as you explore another street

fashionable people stroll by, scooter along or peddle their decorated bikes pass

even the street has it's flair with a pattern of bricks and cobblestone to urge you on

it's a feast for your eyes, ears and nose as your body floats through the beauty that is Italy

A Taste of Italy

2008-03-23T17:51:00.000-07:00

Very tired, back in Texas from Italy! Too wonderful for words so here's a few pictures.

Love, Shara

One More Sleep

2008-03-14T23:13:00.000-07:00

Just one more night...one more sleep and I'm off to Italy!

A childhood dream becoming a reality.

Like a Slice of Cantalope !

2008-03-12T20:22:00.000-07:00

a slice of cantaloupe on a warm summer day

one big bite from a moon pie

a tall ice cold glass of sweet tea when you're really thirsty

lyin' on your bed with nothin' on but the box fan coolin' your body in the afternoon

sittin' on the front porch after the sun sat down listening to frogs, crickets and owls sing

barefooted walk through freshly mowed grass

lying in tall grasses tracing critters in the clouds with your eyes

the smell of freshly turned earth as you dig your toes in a mound meant for planting

first taste of a freshly picked garden tomato sprinkled with salt

drinking water straight from the hose then arching a rainbow over the neighbor's fence

catching the sun's last wave snuggled next to daddy on the concete porch

"to be continued".....

I thought I would just write what sang to me this morning at school. Actually the first two lines only..."I heard it with a southern accent, my southern childhood rich with verbal cues and visual vignettes." I miss what home was! I miss that time but I remember how I purposely studied moments and images as if I were documenting it for prosperity. I'm amazed that I can instantly rewind and replay the snippets of my life with incredible detail. So vivid are my visions that it's often difficult to separate the real smells, sounds, textures, and colors from memories. The memories are strong ones, memories linked to love, happiness and feeling safe. My childhood was far from typical, or free from sorrow and pain but somehow I instinctually knew to save back and treasure the good moments.

*I was thinking about someone special in my life this morning. Somehow I link these happy sensations with his presence in my life...LOL...I don't even know if he likes cantaloupe!

Six Sleeps and the Panic Begins

2008-03-09T17:29:00.000-07:00

Yearning for something or some event for a decade or more...then as the moment draws near you feel a slight queasy feeling in the pit of your stomach! Will something or someone keep this dream from happening? Will I screw it up somehow? Will I hype myself up so much that nothing can come close to satisfying the fantasy I have built up in my mind?

And so goes the ramblings of an overactive mind who thinks too much! Surely yes, I will be on a plane to Italy on Saturday and of course, yes, I will encounter some disappointments but now is the time to plan ahead mentally for my first major trip overseas.

Living in the moment is something I want to strive for. To live in the moment, I have to become aware of my ego's sabotage and the past behaviors repeating themselves. Eckhart Tolle explains that the ego thinks, speaks and acts in an unawakened state that is, like on auto pilot we go through life responding to stimulus in dysfunctional ways. My brain, mindset whispering to me that the dream is somehow going to be thwarted is just that....brain whisperings, nothing more. My first step to a new consciousness is becoming aware that the thoughts are just ramblings and not predictions. To have that awareness is to let go of fearful thoughts and feelings that has plagued my life up to now. Breaking up old egoic mind patterns would be difficult work if that was my target as Tolle explains "Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness." Just being aware of the false messages you receive in your thinking will be enough to change the way you react to them. To know that I know things are the way they should be is a comfort in itself. Don't take the ego too seriously, he writes...everyone has one to struggle with it, the ego isn't personal. Those thoughts aren't who we are, just thoughts!

Sooooo, my fears of failure are shouting out to me to react as in the past with much obsessing , worry and endless planning to control every possible problem scenario! No more! It's just my ego flaring up in the ninth hour and I can just smile to myself recognizing that it's nothing but thoughts.
Wow, I think I feel like packing a few things!

Tagged...So I tag back!

2008-03-08T23:17:00.000-08:00

Dear Sweet Bindi has tagged me on the book thing and yes I'm reading! Well, I'm always reading several books simulataneously which can be confusing but with my attention span- it's my mantra and curse whichever way you look at it. You know your weaknesses, you know your strengths! Soooo, I go with my rhythm...which is usually flat out until I'm exhausted!
At this moment, I'm reading (Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth...Awakening to Your Life's Purpose". This isn't the easiest read for me so I write in the margins, dialogue with myself to comprehend and make sense of what I read. Being a visual learner I also underline, circle, put arrows...stars...whatever to help it sink in! Elementary teacher at the roots for sure but it works for me. My buddy, Jem asked for the book after me but I think my writings will be too distracting. I'll buy him a fresh copy. So to get to the tagging....#1 use whatever book you're reading at the moment #2 turn to page 123 (oh, your book needs to have at least 123 pages in it) I guess that leaves out some comic books! #3 Type the first five sentences
Here goes!
There is a "me" that feels personally offended or resentful, and a huge amount of energy is burned up on useless protest or anger, energy that could be used for solving the situation if it were not being misused by the ego. What is more, this "anti"-energy creates new obstacles, new opposition. Many people are truly their own worst enemy. People unknowingly sabotage their own work when they withhold help or information from others or try to undermine them lest they become more successful or get more credit than "me". Cooperation is alien to the ego, except when there is a secondary motive.
*Yes this is a Oprah's Book Club read but that didn't persuade me to read it! I believe I was moving in this direction since a change meeting with an old soul mate this summer. "Cookie, I think, I'm beginning to understand what you have been trying to teach me."
So, I tag.....Duncan

2008-03-08T15:37:00.000-08:00

Female Oriental Elvis Impersonator?

2008-03-08T15:07:00.000-08:00

My Sara joins in the Dragon Parade. She was our official photographer. Doesn't it look like she's having a good time! Having her there made everything so much better.

We Won a Trophy!

2008-03-08T13:05:00.000-08:00

The last three to four weeks has been a blur of creativity and frustration to make a Chinese dragon puppet...well...a version of the Chinese dragons that martial arts groups perform with in the annual Chinese new year parades.

I worked up a unit on Asian traditions for celebrating the new year, hoping to enlighten my young art students from kindergarten to fifth grade. Videos, books, art work, collections of artifacts, and wearing my best oriental dress to impress, we had a great time. Even the youngest tried their hand at chinese calligraphy. Each class was taught to bow and recite the chinese version of Hello and of course the traditional new year message "Gung Hay Fat Choy"! To finish the unit I wanted to create a real ( as real as the kids and I could make it) dragon and to have it run throughout the school on February 15th (Chinese New Year).

Lots of planning...failures with different materials until I came up with the final version. The school parade was a roaring success as our noisy group toured through the entire building with cymbals, drums, and shouts of Gung Hay Fat Choy as we snaked in, out, down stairs, up stairs, outside the building and returned to settle back in the art room. It was wonderful to see and hear the excitement of an entire school, enthusiastically embrace a new tradition from another culture. We have a growing asian population in our school who found sweet ways to let me know that they appreciated my efforts to open little eyes to the world beyond Texas. Little handmade presents left on my desk and the normally shy students seeking me out to thank me and hug my waist. Pure love and acceptance, what happens to us along the way to have that ability stolen or distorted! Oh, I'm rambling...anyway dear ones, the dragon was pressed into service again but with some updates for the Birthday Bash for Imagination Celebration.

So much work, planning and extra helpers to put him into action was needed. I have a small group of 5th graders called the Art Squad who worked after school. Our dragon is more than 40 feet long (I will officially measure him in class/good math connection on Monday) and needs 10 puppeteers to manage his walkabout and honestly I didn't measure the head to see if it would make it out the studio door!LOL He did!

This morning, a Saturday, students and parents met me at the art room to take our act on the road to Will Rodgers Coliseum where the Imagination Celebration Festivities were taking place. The coliseum is a wonderful example of art deco architecture with an observation tower that makes for an impressive skyline. More than fifty schools were represented and as you can imagine, it was crowded with an concoction of mini versions of Mardi Gras costumed creatures! The art teachers had gone all out to make this event as special as the director the Imagination Celebration is caring. Only three weeks earlier the organization had been honored by President Bush in Washington, D.C. for it's accomplishments over the twenty years since it's inception.

Back to the parade! Dressed in tunics to mimic oriental costumes , my art students toted our huge dragon through the halls waiting patiently behind other colorful groups for our turn to emerge on stage in front of a crowd. Like the true troopers they are, they threw themselves into character and danced that dragon in circles across the stage. Brilliant smiles mixed in with shear fear that melted into pure joy as we played across the stage together! So enchanted were they that they made an extra circle about that required me to chase down the dragon guide and grab his hand to I lead them off stage.

Once out the double doors to the crisp morning air outside, we were giddy with happiness at out endeavor. We-teacher, parents and students had taken a long journey together and together had reaped the joyful benefits...the rush of shared happiness. No one could stopped smiling and so I said, "Let's run the dragon again, guys" and so instantly the children broke into a run of victory- round and round until they had exhausted themselves and were ready the manage the emotional moment . It was almost anticlimactic when I found out that we had won the trophy for the best puppet because I had already received my reward!

2008-03-06T21:03:00.000-08:00

Eight More Sleeps!

2008-03-06T20:20:00.000-08:00

Eight more sleeps til I'm on my way to Italy! I know I'm going on about this a bit more than necessary but I'm just a Cajun country girl who dreamed of traveling to Europe as a child of twelve. Obligations for family (raising six does take time and effort, not to mention money), bad choices (let's leave that for another posting OK) and just plain bad luck kept me grounded...literally LOL. Now in my 50's, the last child almost out of the nest and on my third divorce...I'm having another shot at becoming the artist I wanted to be so long ago. It may sound grandiose but I'm truly living my own life for the first time. It's very exciting and scary at the same time. My adventure as I see it, is rediscovering my child's dream again. Taking this trip is only the first step to independence and challenging myself to dream big again.

Today at school, we had some snow....well it's Texas and we don't get that white stuff so everyone was acting like Chicken Little & the sky was falling! Our highway system nor drivers are prepared for icy conditions so the first sign of ice....the people panic! Parents were getting children out of school early and I was asked to cancel my after school meeting with parents and students for parade preparations for the Imagination Celebration parade on Saturday. I have been so focused on work and deadlines that I haven't put anything aside for the trip or even given myself the pleasure of planning . The trip is only 8 days away....Yips! I've got to at list make sure I have clean underwear...lol...but really, I need to pack light, that's what everyone that has had international travel experience tells me and I don't need to reinvent the wheel so I plan to heed advice. So Queenie...my newest nickname from Jem...my newest best friend gave me...will start planning for her big day. Thanks for letting me share this with you all...I'm so grateful for the kind comments and thoughts you leave me. This has been a difficult time in my life but also one of the richest and most productive times ever...I think your comments have helped me tremendously. Kissies & Hugs to all...especially to Cookie, for without your intervention in my life, my eyes would still be closed!

Street Artists or Anarchists?

2008-03-05T21:02:00.000-08:00

Stumbled on an interesting new/old art happening! Art is showing up on walls, buildings, street signs, not graffiti that gangs use to establish their turf but art with a message done in the old style of posters put up with wheat paste! Fly Posting...where in the cover of darkness small groups of anarchist artists slap on the wheat paste (used for putting up wall paper) and slap on an iconic poster. The themes are reminiscence of the antiwar movement of the 60's and of course to messages are the same. War is bad! Save the Earth! Save us for our greedy self!
I find it all thrilling and sad that we're still fighting the same issues...when will we finally run out of time to save ourselves?
Check out this upcoming artist: Shepard Fairey/ Obey

New Punkie Do!

2008-03-03T19:30:00.000-08:00

Here's my baby, the youngest of six who has discovered hair coloring! I'm learning to pick my battles and just breathe!

It's Snowing....sort of!

2008-03-03T19:12:00.000-08:00

Running the Dogs

2008-03-02T21:32:00.001-08:00

2008-03-02T21:29:00.000-08:00

2008-03-02T20:51:00.000-08:00

Five o'clock in the morning on the flood grounds of a lake, I join my friend Jem and his four dogs for a morning run. This was a sweet adventure for me as this was the first time he took me along to exercise the dogs and share this special place and time he enjoys with his animal children. Jem is a Texas version of the dog whisperer. He is the leader of his pack of large dogs. The pack has accepted me because Jem has given them the cue to accept me because he has allowed me inside the tight knitted family.
It was magical to be there just as darkness was giving up to the morning. We sat in the tall grasses as the dogs milled about digging, sniffing and retrieving a tossed branch. For those mystical hours I was a little girl back in Louisiana, playing in the field behind my house or in the tobacco fields at the old homestead of my grandparents. It was peaceful and spirit freeing!

Nellie Bly by street musician at the Stockyards

2008-03-02T20:23:00.000-08:00

Ball-Eddleman-Mc Farland House

2008-03-02T20:16:00.000-08:00

Overlooking a valley, the Trinity River and just blocks from downtown Fort Worth, Texas, I spotted this old home on a side street. I couldn't resist taking a few pictures.

Just Two Weeks

2008-03-01T14:34:00.000-08:00

It's a beautiful day here in Fort Worth, Texas! I just had my hair cut and colored up again, getting ready for my escape to Italy for Spring Break!

The windows are down and the tourists are out in force at the Stockyards, a little slice of the cowboy culture Fort Worth has to bring in tourist ($) and hang on to their title of being a cow town. Most afternoons, you can witness a longhorn herd of cattle being guided by cowpokes in authentic cowpoke outfits. It really is something unique and special as running cattle has become mostly a thing of the past. In it's heyday, Fort Worth use to be the focus of many cattle drives to get their beef to market.

Today Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton spoke to crowds in the tourist trap. I didn't make it in time but took some pictures of the motorcycles gathering for a whatever! Right now, motorcycles are a yuppie thing...lawyer by day...bad ass Harley rider by weekend! Hard to find a real bad ass in the bunch unless you're referring to ethics...LOL!

Anyway, I'm celebrating getting through another week at school, another deadline, another week of too much to do in too little time and getting closer to my dream vacation/adventure. Only 14 days, two weeks...I'm panicked about getting everything ready..damn the list, I'm going to Italy. I will be so full of shite, it will be pitiful when I get back. Just pretend you don't know me like that brother-in-law who always has too much to drink at every family get together!

Forgiveness

2008-02-25T18:55:00.000-08:00

Sunday night, after closing the local Barnes & Nobel bookstore, I called my ex husband. I wasn't really sure how he would react as he doesn't handle impromptu anything very well. Micheal is a man of many routines. Check and recheck...did he or didn't he lock that cabinet or pay that bill, an endless stream of chores that must be done except the work of the heart!

He's a man of conflicts and a child in the ways of expressing love and devotion. He needed a parent, not a partner in life.

He seemed nervous but was anxious for me to come over to what was once our home. I really am surprised at my boldness for one but mostly I had not been able to spend anytime in the house since I left without getting physically ill. I literally would get nauseous and weepy at the sight of the conditions it was in. Just like the scene from the Charles Dickens book, The Great Expectations when Pip walks into the great dining hall of Miss Havenshamn to see the decaying remains of a wedding feast that never took place because her fiance's disappearance. Miss H. left everything the way it was, left it to the spiders, bugs and mice as she wore her wedding dress into sheds. My, our home still had boxes from my move out, the kitchen counters covered with papers, miscellaneous projects and the pantry held the ancient food I had organized almost two years ago. Like a time warp, I felt a heavy wave of sadness every time I returned to retrieve something of mine until I could no longer bear it! I choose to abandon those things as punishment for not being able to bear up under the weight of an unhappy marriage.

This night was different as I parked in front, walked past the tiny garden I once was so fond of creating. I noticed some new additions to the front porch and the familiar pots I had picked out and carried from the garden center. He opened the door to reveal huge walls of speakers (he's a musician, a guitar teacher and ex rocker in the day). Everywhere I looked the were boxes of stuff I recognized from his warehouse of twenty years. There was a huge surfboard in the den standing up against the wall, an arcade game, bar signs everywhere, guitars, microphones....it was the band room of the sixties again. You expected to hear the guys come from the backroom smoking a joint and saying, "Hey man, this your old lady!"

He was suddenly aware of how bad it really looked but I wasn't there to rub it in, I was there to help us both move on. I found a spot to sit, a ottoman next to the only chair in front of the television set, the chair and ottoman I had bought him one Christmas.

The Oscars were on and we sort of stared at the set to relieve the tension until I jumped in with, "Micheal, I wanted you to know, I'm not angry anymore." He looked relieved and I continued, " I forgive you for what I thought was your unfair handling of the divorce and realized we both did the best we could do with the situation." Now the rest was a bit redundant as he and I repeated ourselves somewhat and rehashed over the loss of his dad and the whys but at the end of the visit there was a conclusion that we could both live with. Apparently I still have quite a bit of crap there and I will return to pick through it. He needs my help to move on to some kind of self independence with a element of fun. All he does is work but that was one of the problems in the relationship, I can't fix him but I can release him from the guilt he carries over losing me. He wants to be friends! Not sure I can go that step or what that means to him as he wanted to date after signing the divorce papers! I do have an amazing effect on husbands...lol...they all want to date after I leave. Like locking the barn after the horse run away, what sense does it make! Anyway he walks me to my car, kisses me goodbye and thanks me for coming. He is having a procedure done at Harris Hospital to check his colon for problems and admitted to being nervous. I helped him keep his mind off of worrying about it and yes, he knows I care! I slept really well that night like after going to confession on Saturdays as a child at St. Francis Catholic Church. Ten Our Father's and five Hail Mary's plus light one candle would do it!

Yes, forgiveness is good for the soul.

Signs of the Times?

2008-02-25T17:36:00.000-08:00

I think I have a new pet project, Duh Signs! These are just a few in my apartment complex around the pool. Do people really need this put into print?

What Do...I Want?

2008-02-23T13:55:00.000-08:00

I'm including a recent email I sent to a friend who lives on his sailboat on the Texas coast. He has found the perfect life for himself and expressed to me what he was looking for in life and a partner to continue he own personal adventure. This is my reply to his email and I thought it brought out some important facts about myself that I needed to examine. Wow, I'm always amazed as these conversations with myself at who I am! I'm not disappointed or so much impressed as amazed that I didn't already know those things about myself. Ain't it amazing (I know I used the word three times) what we discover when we ask....even when we're asking questions of ourself! Duh!

Dear Pat,
I'm jealous that you have such a clear concise plan for yourself but you have had more alone time than I. My life has not stopped spinning for years and only slightly slowed the revolutions for the last 6 to 8 months. You're right that I have alot going for me and choices are mine. In the middle of a hurricane you don't always know what to focus on...you're going to cover your head! Maybe now, the eye of the hurricane is passing over me and I can take the moment to think about just what it is that I (Shara) want!
I pondered the question but it's easier to answer what I don't want! I don't want to be confined to a life of ordinary, to have one day following the next with no unexpected challenges or new people in it. I don't want to be alone for the remaining part of my life but I want to be passionately in love with him, to always crave his company even when he just pissed me off. I don't expect to have a relationships without bumps...let's debate about it but let's always respect the other's thoughts and beliefs. I don't want someone to tell me what to do, how to do and when to do it...if I sign on again with a partner, it's understood that I'm an equal and will do my part to maintain the relationship.
What do I want in a partner? I want honesty in all things...a man I can be proud to walk down the street with, to sleep next to, and fight life's battles with. He doesn't have to be bigger than life itself but have an inner soul that keeps him right with the world and others. I am a spiritual person...it's who I am but I wouldn't call it religious...more like what my mother's people who are Delaware Indian call spiritually. I feel the emotions in the earth, the animals and the people who live here. It's an awareness that all living things depend on each other and that they interact either in a negative or positive way. I choose to see the world that way...all fitting together and having a greater meaning than just being!
I want a life of adventure and challenge till I take my last breathe. Let me learn something new and I'm a happy woman, allow me to conquer a fear of mine and I'm celebrating! Don't confuse me with people who take unusually dangerous chances...as I don't have a death wish...just want to enjoy as much out there as I can.
Would I enjoy living on a sailboat? I don't know! I do know I could get rid of stuff as the only reason I have stuff is to give me comfort or for my profession. I love the water, not afraid per say but respect that it can be dangerous if you're not prepared. I adore the ocean but only have experience from the shore point of view. I prefer fresh over canned any day....seafood over any other kind of food...and love to play in the kitchen (galley?). If I fall in love...and I use the word love...it's passionate and very physical so I expect to be physically close to him. I don't want to spend alot of time with anyone that I can't shower with and have fun! Sex is very important and not something to bargain for or put aside for chores or the end of the day or only on Saturdays. Like my life, that part of my life should be easy, flowing, fun, full of laughter and enjoyable for both of us like a well played volleyball match.
What's left? Money...oh...well...I have always shared everything I had with my mate, it's who I am but that hasn't always worked very well for me! Nevertheless...like I said, it's who I am and so if I commit to another partner, I will share everything I own and my ability to earn with my talents...a partnership.
My children and family? I will always choose my child over anyone but I have raised them and it is my time to live free of the day to day parent chores. I must always be available to communicate with my family and make trips to see them or have them visit me. To separate myself from them is to change who I am. I am mom...forever a mom. I would want to have a healthy relationship with the family of my partner and be allowed to give love to them too. I thrive on giving affection and being close to people. If I loved you then I have already fell in love with who you love...it's an entire package or nothing!
Now, Pat you need a nap after this! At the very least you will know if you want to get to know me or not and at the most, you may have made a connection to someone closer to what you're looking for.
Hope this isn't too much to digest and I will hear from you again, if not...it's no lost to us... just life.
Shara

P.S. The shrimp boat in my photo isn't Pat's boat but a boat designed and built in the backyard of the owner. The entire family works own the boat in Port Aransas, Texas where coincidentally so does Pat.

My New View

2008-02-23T11:29:00.000-08:00

Now that the dust has settled, now that most of the boxes are unpacked, now that I have picked out where but not installed my art on the walls , I search for my new favorite place to sit in my new home. Again I chose the balcony and so here is my new view...not bad for the time being until I make my new life!

Countdown

2008-02-22T20:44:00.000-08:00

Only 19 sleeps till I sleep in Italy!

Three Ring Circus

2008-02-22T20:12:00.000-08:00

In the center ring, is Queenie and her adorables as they perform yet another life changing transformation from teen child to semi adult thinking teen! Watch as she makes her move to motivate and encourage the younglings to be responsible for their own actions! Did you see that... the youngest is making attempts at improving her situation in life and seems to be showing signs of gratitude. Why I think I see a faint smile on the Queen's face as she witnesses two of her offspring bond in an act of cooperation and courage to help each other through a difficult time. All this with only a cell phone to assist the teentamer in this most daring feat!

Direct your attention to the smaller ring where the adult Queenie deals with life's pitfalls and in this case, "Replacing the carpet...$$$". She courageously marches into the headmaster's ring to offer a deal...and look...he nods yes! Yes, the crowd applause's as Queenie saves her budget and keeps her dignity! Another lesson learned.

As our final act of the day, let me direct you to the ring in the wings. Here is where Queenie practices being on her own as a individual...as a single woman dealing with loneliness and anxiety for the future. There in the distance is someone waiting for her to let go of her fears and just fly!

Queenie is going to be just fine!

By the grace of God

2008-02-21T18:06:00.000-08:00

The stress is getting to me. Last night I felt so emotional that I had a crying breakdown in a bubblebath. Sometimes a hot bath, candles, ice cream....chocolate...music...can help you through a night of uncertainty and fearfulness.

The dark clouds started months ago when I couldn't get Sara's school to excuse her for the 10 days she was out of school with a bad throat infection. WHY? because the doctor didn't write specifically that he told me to keep her home until the test results were back from the lab and she had finished the medication. There was talk about Mono...anyway I went twice to get the doctor to rewrite but all they did was copy the old one. Now maybe that wouldn't be a problem where you live but in the state of Texas, it is against the law for a student to miss too many days of school and they issued court warrants! Yes...the high school has a community officer and she filed on Sara but not me as she knew how hard I was trying to keep her in school. BUT I'm still legally responsible especially when it comes to fines. Sara was skipping afternoon classes to eat lunch across the steet. She was getting to school late, tardy to class and getting detention for clothing violation (They have a dress code now)! Nothing but a nightmare! The school had two bomb threats (one real, one not) and four lock downs for firearms on campus....a mess!

Sara found an alternative school but it's across town and I have exactly two days to get her transferred and enrolled and to court...ahhhhhhhhhhh! Where's dear old Dad? Just like the child support....never there when you need it!

We get her in BUT she can't get in the morning sessions from 8:00 to 12:00 and can only get in the afternoon from 12:30 till 4:30. I have to be at work at 7:45 at the latest and get off at the earliest 3:45...I have only 30 min lunch so I can't run her to school...she's not driving and there's no one to do it! ughe.....the solution was a tiny miracle that a single parent allows me to drop her off every morning before my school starts and she lives only two blocks for the alternative school. It's called Texas CAN Academy to insure that Texas youth graduate for high school....

Now things are slightly better...if living with a 17 year old daughter is living! Mood swings....OMG! Then my middle son Jeff calls from the road to ask to move back for awhile...OK? At some point he suggests we get a three bedroom, he'll pay the difference and he will stay for 6 months! He ask me to cash his company check for $1,120 and he and his brother help me move...sort of! They take so long...not starting till 4:00 in the afternoon so that I barely make the deadline of moving out and leave the carpet messy! I figure I'ld get charged for carpet cleaning...RIGHT!.....meanwhile on last Wed. I go to get $40 cash when I'm denied....WHAT? I check to find both my savings and checking ..are gone and I have a $250 overdraft! I'm panicked as that's more than $1,000 dollars gone! I think...identity theft. Run to the bank to find out the company Jeff worked for bounced the check and I had footed the loss! Cell phone calls...unladylike conversations with my son who is working with the sister company and didn't know that anything had happened. The company went bankrupt! Jeff drives all night to give me just enough money to keep the bank from ruining me. I'm two weeks away from a check....and all I can think is..."Thank God I paid for my trip to Italy as early as I could"...I told Dedra that I had a feeling that something would get the money if I didn't and so if the money is spent...then it's spent! Although it was one of my children, I thought would have some tragic story for Mom to rescue them and (I would have like I always do) then no trip!

Then a week ago I get a letter in my mailbox that the complex is charging me $625.00 to put in new carpet...saying it can't be clean...pay immediately....immediately with what! DAmn the stress...I try to get a company to clean it...one who cleans carpet for this huge complex I live in AND they want $425.00 to try to clean it with no guarantee....I CAN"T GET A BREAK!

So friends when I thought I had screwed up the art show...it looked like negative karma to me!

Poor Jeff feels like a heel...waiting for the new company to send another check for $15,00....returned his new XBOX (you guys know how much that hurt) to give me $200 more dollars. Now this part is just CRAZY ...STUPID...I lost or missplaced one of the hundred dollar bills he gave me! I met me at the bookstore then handed me the money..."Jeff, could you just wait till I get home", I said..."No Mom, I'm going out". I don't know how but it's gone...I could possibly find it later...tucked in my secret place or a stupid place I can't remember 'cause I'm so damn stressed out! I hate money...

Well people...I went out Sat....my drinks were free and I recieved comfort from a very bad world but the world keeps giving bad & good Karma!

This morning as I drove Sara to school we drove up onto a wreck! "Wow, Sara, is that a car? Look it's upsidedown and....Oh, my God", I froze in mid sentence! "Mom, is that a....a...a body?,"she said with such a tiny voice. Yes...yes it is....oh, my god...he's just lying in the middle of the road. The traffic slowed but never stopped as we crept pass what looked like a large male. The ambulance wasn't there yet. Only a few officers were there, someone offical carrying a camera, flares, flashing lights and a huge moundlike thing covered with a red blanket in the middle of the highway. We knew it was a large person as the blanket couldn't cover all of him for his feet were exposed. I remember noticing that the socks were clean like he had pulled them out of his sock drawer that morning while getting ready for work. They were those white cotton socks with grey toes and heels.

His car lay on it's back like a beetle insect with it's guts strewn across the road and beyond it's owner's body. We drove pass him like he was roadkill! I felt a prayer rise to my lips to honor him somehow as his soul seem to linger like a morning fog but I still drove on to drop Sara off. I had to return the same way only minutes later to see he was still lying...all alone...on that hard cold street...still waiting to be humanized again. I saw a white hearse with doors opened and a gurney being pulled out. I noticed it's covered with a white sheet, that it's padded, soft...so as to ease someone's pain. I thought, how pointless to worry about this man's comfort now but at least he'll be human again. I go through the short detour and arrive at my school three minutes later. I walk to my portable...my little sanity, my nest, my art studio for the school then broke down and cried! My crazy money problems will work out....my daughter will straighten herself out...I will find love again...my life is good! It's all relative...in a flash....in an instant....but by the grace of god, there go I.

Picking up Sara from school, there was no visual signs left except for track marks in the median grass and a small tribute of flowers next to the yield sign.

Just Movin' too fast!

2008-02-19T17:14:00.000-08:00

God! Monday, I was down so low believing I screwed up an art contest and of course the worst ever art teacher! The next morning I confessed to my aide, Dedra that I forgot to send in the art pieces and I needed to call the art district office to beg for time when she stopped me cold! "No, you didn't", she said. "You asked me to fax in the necessary paperwork after you turned it in, Remember?", says Dee. "But it wasn't listed on the inventory sheet sent to me on Monday", I insisted with a slightly quivering voice, "I checked several times, looking for my name.
At this point, she's almost laughing at me as she points out the paperwork on my foot high piles of paperwork on my desk. On the top, recently highlighted is my student and my name....bold as Brass! "Dedra, I love you", I shouted and gave her a huge hug. She had come in early that morning, looked over the paperwork I had left and simply highlighted the information for me. God, I love her structured thought processes, strong organizational skills and tunnel vision...all of the things I have short supply of.
The next twenty minutes, I confessed my sleepless night, of self condemnation and worry over what? Somehow in my fearfulness and panic, I could not recognize or find my name. Well, apparently they had alphabetized the list by the art teachers first names BUT REALLY...if I hadn't jump into panic mode or so ready to believe some other terrible thing had just happened...well, am I just movin' too fast!
Of Course...I'm relieved and happy about the turn of events but what if I had REALLY forgotten...would that really mean that everything else I have done is null and void? Am I the only person dealing with that all or nothing senario? Trying to be without sin...isn't human...is it! I've got to think about this some more but Dedra says, " Shara, you think too much". Hey, I think she has a point!

Sorting out the emotions

2008-02-18T20:42:00.000-08:00

It's another late night, I can't sleep even though the apartment is silent except for the sound of the clothes dryer tossing a load. Somehow that noise is comforting to me...a chore finished as I type about dealing with another emotional tidal wave.

I've missed a deadline for getting in some student art and I'm full of guilt and recrimination. Bad art teacher, bad bad art teacher!

At first, I thought it was just a mistake that I felt sure I had turned in the two required pieces but no...I had lost track of time. I spent extra time looking for a particuliar piece of art but that only made me feel worst as I realized how backed up I am on getting art back to the 825 plus students! I know that there's a good reason for me facing this issue as I fly too often by the seat of my pants...it's my strength, thinking in the moment and I get the best ideas under the pressure but I need a better system for all the deadlines and added "art teacher could you do me a favor" things.

In the past, I just worked harder and longer hours, often until 11:00 pm or when the night janitor escorted me home...shaking his head, "You work too hard". I thought I needed things to be perfect until I had to have surgery on my shoulder. After facing mortality, I sort of laid back some...came home at reasonable hours, ate dinner with my daughter, even watched some televison but the work load, number of art pieces keep growing as I try to save back pieces for art shows or contests ( I hate the contests!). I want to do more projects that allow the students to create quality work instead of quick turn crafty on the fridge works. My principal expects product to be churned out like a vending machine and tastefully tacked up on the walls for parents to admire..."Oh, you're going to have the children make christmas ornaments again aren't you,", "How are you going to decorate the school" and now " We really need you to paint another mural since the one you painted two years ago was destroyed somehow at the back of the stage where the janitors stored it", "Do you think you can get it done by May...before the Career Day...Ms. Dennings wants to have it as a back drop for the banquet" and for public school week...I would like some western art, you know...blue bonnets..stuff like that!"

I'm depressed and therefore start to beat myself up! I even feel fat today! lol

The mind is so strong it can take you on a rollercoaster ride of gut wretching fear provoking senarios.So I came here to talk it out, sort out the real emotions from the imaged ones and calm my spirit down.

#1. I can call the art office tomorrow to see if I can still submit two pieces or even just one.

#2. Share with my aide and friend that I want to improve on our system to keep up with these things

#3. Take the time to write down all I have done this year as I believe it's quite alot already.

#4. Write up a priority list and tack that sucker on the wall in the art room so I can't miss it!

#5. Thank the gods for this crisis as I can't lay back but need to energize myself to work smarter.

Deep sigh...deep breathe...I think I can sleep now!

She's got a red dress on...baby!

2008-02-17T21:43:00.000-08:00

What is it about wearing red that brings out the boldness in a woman. Bullfighters use it to entice the bull to make a dangerous mistake...maybe it's a unconscious signal that she's up for an adventure or mischief.
So yes, Saturday night I worn this little red dress with red heels and yes I felt very sexy and dangerous. I felt powerful, in control and scared all at the same moment I made my entrance into my favorite latin nightclub. I did have a trench coat over the little red number but sooner than later with all the heat coming from so many bodies in the club, it would be necessary to take the coat off. Deep breathe and off goes my disguise and plop I sit at the bar across from my friendly bartender and manager of the club. Nice to see a friendly smile when one is on a daredevil mission of sorts. He and I are more than casual friends and so the dress was for him. I realized that and as soon as he saw me...I wanted so much for a positive reaction. He does have a beautiful sincere smile that sort of lite up when he focused on me. He immediately compliments my appearance. I know, I know, I'm suppose to be about more than that...the physical and I shouldn't worry about my body's decline but sometimes a girl needs to hear she's attractive.
So I glowed for hours as I sipped on a fruity wine drink that he makes special for me. I like that the place is packed beyond safety code, the latin beat moving the latin bodies everywhere and everyone is in a state of celebration. Young hispanic men strutting about and the flirtatous and sexy young hispanic women taunting and teasing with their sensuous dancing. Everyone seemed to be happy and complemently hamonious with the beat and the atmosphere of festival. It was all so intoxicating to watch this mass of humanity swaying through the night.
Perched on a high stool at the perfect corner of the counter I could observe the sychopated dance between the four bartenders who were trying to stay ahead of the thirsty crowd. Like a well rehearsed broadway dance routine the barkeeps swerved and whirled around and between each other while juggling bottles of liguor to pour connoctions topped with limes, cherries, oranges and lemons. Three streams of liquid flows over ice into glasses simutaneously as the other hand adds the garnish with a small straw for each set of lips. Faster and faster the ballet moved, his smile acknowledging the next customer then off in a whirlwind of practiced repetitive moves to create, uncap, serve, tally the cost , collect the money and return change if any is to be return. Paper bills go into containers to show graditude for the performance, for the well made drink, for the smile and for the night of celebration.
I sip and watch and on occasion recieve some special attention from the one I have come to visit at his place of business. "Welcome to my crazy world", he says. I watch and take it all in as though everyone was performing for me alone....to observe people being free of their daily routines, possibly harsh lives and unending deadlines and to do lists. Somehow I got free too as I joined spiritually with the joyful crowd by returning smiles and laughter, striking up conversations to learn why they left their homeland to come to america. This was a collection of grateful people....happy to be able to celebrate a better life and a chance for more.
The lights turned up and traditional mexican music began to play and without being cued the entire club sang outloud with such emotion that I instinctively knew it reminded them of home, of their family and their culture. I wanted to be apart of their culture just then, to know what the words meant and to feel that ache in my chest which says, "I miss home". But I do know what it feels like to be on a island with nothing familiar around you. You cling to things, to visuals memories, foods and music to calm the fear of the unknown, to comfort yourself in your new situation. We are all strangers in a new life experience whether it's a new school, new job, marriage, divorce or death.
Tonight I didn't feel so alone in my new world as a single fifty something woman. I made a few acquaintenaces and my friend made sure I knew that the little red dress was a good choice.

Everybody's got a sack of rocks to carry!

2008-02-16T11:30:00.000-08:00

It's a very interesting way of putting it, the baggage people, us....we carry through life. I took it directly from an interview with actress Elaine Stritch. She is discussing her views on religion being a lifelong catholic, addiction to alcohol and her thoughts on liking fellow human beings. I was particularly impressed with her disclosure of not liking people in general. Rather bold and fresh to hear someone actually admit her or his distrust of others.
I think that if I were as honest as she, I too have been at odds with most of my acquaintences in my lifetime. Meaning, I have reserved a tiny part of myself back from most of the people I have been involved with because of a trust issue. Early on in life, I've experience personal betrayal and this alone can make a person suspicious and callous about allowing anyone access to your heart. That sack of rocks we carry through life isn't what defines us, it just is what fate has given us whether we got a pebble because of carelessness or just being in the wrong place at the right time; it is our lot in life to tote it!
And tote it you will but how you move that sack along, in what manner determines your character. Do I moan and groan with each step or do I simply shoulder the weight without fanfare, making my way through the stages of life? We all enjoy some whining and conjoling feedback from a understanding soul but that just slows you down and you still have to grab that sack anyway! My cajun daddy, Levon Theodore Miller was the perfect example of someone shouldering his sack of rocks with dignity and great resolve. A very humble man, Levon made no excuses for his mistakes nor did he tout his successes. He called himself, "Just a simple man, with simple needs and strong belief that good eventually overcomes bad". For all he did, for all he was, I credit him with the hope for good that I guard in my heart. Squatting at his feet, watching him toil in the Louisiana dirt to make another spring garden, I quizzed his mind for answers. Never were my questions too silly or unimportant for him to answer or tell me honestly he didn't know for sure but this is "my thinking on your question, Queen". Levon had wonderful cajun stories from his past or the generations before him to demonstrate the character traits we wish to keep or stay away from. Honesty, trust, love, sharing, resilence, determination, hope, and belief in your common man when that belief has been trampled upon were taught to his children as he tended to the animals to feed his family, sharing housekeeping chores with my mom, washing our bodies pink in the deep claw footed bathtub at the end of a thirteen hour work day, and relaxing on the backporch every evening to watch the sunset. "Let's see what the Old Man has painted for us tonight", he'ld say.
Please let me learn to carry my sack of rocks like my cajun daddy did! He would often say, " Ma' Shara, Queen, life is so hard but it has so much beauty if you look for it...it is what it is....all you got"! thanks daddy, I'll keep looking!

Dreaded or Delightful Day

2008-02-13T18:06:00.000-08:00

When one teaches in an elementary school and is an art teacher; you can't avoid Valentine's Day! Not my favorite holiday to be sure except for the excuse to eat chocolates...yum. And so...yes...I embraced it fully by teaching symmetry using the wonderful symbol of a heart. It's an important math skill to understand the geometry involved and spacial relationships but the kids just love to make hearts.
Easy as pie....NOT...teaching kindergarten throught fifth grade the same skill wasn't a walk in the park. You could assume that the older students knew how to cut a symmetrical heart but you would have assumed wrong. Interesting enough...this seemingly simple mundane task has huge connections to a child understanding outcome!
Meaning...when I cut here....this is the results! I teach vocabulary like...raw edge (you know the edge of the paper that gives you "ouchie" paper cuts)...the fold (duh, Ms. H.....where the paper is folded)....draw your cutting line....(looks like a side view of an ear, or the top of a ? or the top of a clothes hanger..!
Where else but an elementary art room can you get applause and an abashment of Wows when I cut a double heart or a heart window inside another heart shape?
I'm up to my eyeballs in valentines of every color or type of decor or fluff a kid can paint, squibble, punch, poke, or glue on.

It's a heartwarming to read the words penned to moms, dads, grandparents and art teachers too. Occasionally you can witness Young Luv when a more mature third grader proudly walks his freshly made Valentine Heart three tables over to a much taller and physically more mature looking girl! Her reaction? Mildly amused!
I wish I had a handmade card coming my way tomorrow...maybe making hearts is more than a math lesson!

the View

2008-02-12T20:14:00.000-08:00

quiet nighttime view

low hues of light mingle with the shadows

a liquid playground waits for Spring

An Open Door

2008-02-12T19:04:00.000-08:00

feelings are feelings

not promises

not committments

be you

I'm trying to learn who me is!

Dragon Feet

2008-02-10T19:06:00.000-08:00

February 7th was the beginning of the Chinese New Year celebration. My art students from Kindergarten to 5th grade had great fun creating art celebrating the holiday and of course I decided we should make a dragon to chase away the evil spirits from the new year. I can't really show the faces of my students but you can get the alot from these shots. My favorite is the picture my 4th grade crew of children's feet going in and out of the entire school including the stairs. We actually practiced! It was such fun for everyone...the dragon is being revamped for another parade in March to celebrate an art event. I'll post those too!

Reggio Emilia, Italy

2008-02-10T15:11:00.000-08:00

Today was our third meeting in preparation for the upcoming trip to ITALY! I'm so excited that I have to force myself to delay thinking about the trip. Keep myself on track for the remaining time in the school schedule. I'm one of those who will research and ponder every element of an adventure. I do plan to be laid back, talk to anyone and everyone I meet, try all the food, drink the wine of course and take loads of pictures.
We, 9 other art teachers and 1 vice principal will stay in the Hotel Astoria in Reggio Emilia, Italy for six nights and 7 days. We have two free travel days. Of course we want to go to Florence for all the museums and art there...especially Micheanglo's "David". I want to take the longer trip to Rome, even if I can only stay but 1/2 day...Rome is Italy and Italy is Rome!
Ciao!

A Sneaky Memory...sneaks in

2008-02-07T20:01:00.000-08:00

Happy Chinese New Year! It's the year of the Rat for those that are curious. I am of course very curious about just anything that seems to come my way. Nosie was what my aunt Lolabell barked at me after catching me in her rouge at her dressing table. How could a girl of 8 resist the tiny hand woven basket made from pine needles? I just had to open the tightly closed lid to see if a tiny snake was curled inside! But look, it's a orangie red powder with a teenie powder puff. Let's see, how would this work...oh, yes...on your cheeks. "Ohhhh, no mamn, I was just looking." " No, Mame I do respect your things...I just wanted to see if you had a....yes, Mame, I'll go sit on the sofa!"

Wow, I just went on a tangent with myself...lol! Must be time to go to sleep and make a new day with my sweeties at school. I do love what I do!

I'm not surprised

2008-02-06T19:13:00.000-08:00

My friend is sad
and I feel his unhappiness
My friend feels disillusion
and I wish to show him a new vision
My friend feels trapped by his circumstances
and I want to find the key to free him
My friend expresses his grief
and I strive to comfort him from afar
My friend discovers an epiphany, new truth for himself
and I celebrate his brilliance
My friend sees the beauty of his own light
and I'm not surprised

Five hangers back

2008-02-04T20:35:00.000-08:00

The move has released me from most of my attachment to the summer romance but like all things paramount in my life it isn't easily forgotten.
Today I made myself busy with the new walk in closet connected to my bath. I'm in girl heaven with all this space to myself and so I was color matching blouses and skirts when I found pushed back to the rear of the closet some abandoned clothing. Each hanger held an item of his and so I had to run my fingertips over each one. A rush, a flood of memories so strong that I was overwhelmed to the point of running out of the room entirely. For a brief second I thought I could feel his presence next to me. For a split second I breathed in his scent. For that instance I heard his voice assuring me that everything will be as it should be. For the time being I will leave those physical memories five hangers back in the rear corner of my closet.

Makin' a New Nest!

2008-02-04T19:45:00.000-08:00

The toting up and down the stairs has ceased but there's a bevey of boxes to sort through before my new nest is feathered! Items missplaced...

the house telephone
the cords to set up my stereo system
1/2 set of dishes
alarm clock
set of wooden cooking spoons
cord to the electric fryer
lid to the rice cooker

Amazingly enough, I'm ok with it all! I cleared paths, put the unknown boxes in a spare bedroom to decipher later and concentrated on my bedroom. My room overlooks the pools and tennis courts. If my lights are out, I can open my blinds and lay on my bed to look below. The pools have built in waterfalls so I can use my imagination to improve on the landscape to provide myself with the impression of an island getaway. Sometimes finding a tiny gift like that improves the quality of your life. I guess it all depends on how creative you can be or if you're able to embrace the very small jewels that comes into view. It has become so clear to me lately that I can no longer afford to revisit the sad lost times of my past...as that is wasting my precious present. What I do now is move in the moment and try to pull every shred of joy from any experience up to my face. I plan to study closely the things around me, looking for the beauty that has always been there. To observe the way I did as a child in the bayou country of Louisiana sitting barefoot in the dark dirt next to my daddy's workboots while he shoveled the family half acre garden. I miss the peace of knowing I'm safe. I miss the knowledge of understanding who truly loves you. I long for those days of trusting that giant of a man with my entire existence. I miss my cajun daddy!

Saying Goodbye to Rapunzal's Tower

2008-01-27T19:24:00.000-08:00

The first picture is my tiny balcony that looks into the street and parking between four apartment units. Our balconies face each other and during the evenings we can share each others conversations if you're not careful with the volume. This place is also where everyone that smokes, smokes! Because Duncan smoked and almost all my children but I, long periods were spent out here. Nightfall was a special time for Duncan and I, as the sky is visible from here. It made a nice backdrop for the long stories or just cuddling up next to each other in quiet thoughts.

The second picture shows a lamp shade Duncan and I covered together with rice paper that had herbs infused in it. It turned out nicely, I thought!

The third picture is a side view from the balcony that clearly shows the Trinity river. I know it looks like a canal but the city has a bike/walking trail along side of it and always keep the grass manicured short. I would prefer something more natural but no one asked me for my opinion!

The last picture is a piece of funky fifties wall art that adorned some one's walls and now my porch. It reminded me of the romantic courtship between a man and a woman. It belonged on the balcony.

2008-01-27T18:57:00.000-08:00

There's the quilt I hung the morning Duncan came to visit me for the first time! I was in a mad rush to have everything speak who I was, tell a story or reflect my personality. He had said, "I want to get to know you better!" I thought, I should at least make a effort to turn my earlier barren apartment into a home that held my style, fanciful collections or just all around weirdest.

I had the carpet man working on shampooing the work of my new puppy, Aristotle, the puppy was confined behind a baby gate barking to get the carpet man's attention and I was atop my son's antique record player hammering tacks into the precious flea market find on the wall. Rushing to get the fabric up, checking the time...God I'm going to be late then I step down without looking! I had stepped onto an unstable ottoman which immediately twisted over and so did I. I did a complete somersault hitting the glass coffee table with my foot and landing on my head and neck. Crackkkkkk kk like the therapist, I heard and felt my neck react. I must have blacked out for a second or two...scrambled to my knees in time to face the carpet guy. "Did something happen," he said. "Yes, I fell," I replied quickly then limping into the bedroom, claiming to be fine. I swear, my eyes were still rolling around like a badly drawn cartoon skit!

Now, I'm really going to be late picking Duncan up from the train station. God, not the impression I wanted to give. I limped down three flights of stairs, twitching with each step and I drive a clutch. Shazbott, it hurts...got to get there!

Parking the car across from the station, checking my hair, makeup and then....thought, (will he remember what I look like, will I be able to pick him out)....go...just hobble and go!

What a pair we were? All smiles, not knowing whether to kiss or hug or both and then I had the perfect conversation started..."Hey Look Duncan, I broke my toe!"

2008-01-27T18:51:00.000-08:00

Boxing up boxes

discarding the unwanted

memories abound

The Epilogue:

2008-01-27T15:16:00.000-08:00

And so my young man returned to his homeland to rekindle his love for his family and his country. After recovering from being bedridden with back pain from an ancient injury in a long ago battlefield, Duncan is faced with another challenge. His father had a stroke! Duncan must choose between returning to the U.S. to join his brother who is already a citizen or stay to help his aging parents in their time of crisis. He stays!

I knew his heart would never let him leave his family and I am proud. The karma has changed for us. Although he tried many times to explain that what we had was transitional, I couldn't or wouldn't let go of what I craved to have again. Emotionally I swung from low to high extremes and as he predicted came to see the truth in our relationship. We had what most would agree was a once in a lifetime connection of two old souls. Our comfort with each other was liken to a happily married couple who read each other's thoughts and communicated telepathy's throughout the day. The peacefulness and generosity between us was overwhelming. I had found heaven in my tiny apartment, three floors up overlooking the river Trinity in Fort Worth, Texas.

Today, we visit weekly online and read each others blog thereby witnessing each other's emotional growth. He is my friend and I his. He encouraged me to go forward with the trip to Italy and to keep writing poetry. He understands my need to write about our relationship, my feelings and my progress to the woman I was meant to be. I think everyone should have at least one summer romance that lingers gently in your heart to soften you for the future.

No regrets, moving forward, Cookie!

Catalyst to Change

2008-01-27T11:29:00.000-08:00

I'm including this very private but very informative email I wrote to my South African photographer friend, teacher and lover who was the catalyst for change in my life. He was my lover at a crossroads in my life when I had almost buried my feelings and emotions forever! He was my best friend at a time when I needed to remember what friendship really was! He was the mirror before my face at the moment I desperately needed to see the value of my life, the love I already possessed and the bright and wonderful future ahead of me.

Younger than I, Duncan is an old soul infused with knowledge I most certainly needed to accept and make my own. I fell deeply in love with him which is obvious from my over the top expressions but I also gained a lifelong friend for whom I owe much!

* I wrote this email after Duncan flew back to South Africa...I was grieving!

Dearest Duncan,
I never dreamed that one night could be so long, that I could feel so lost and alone again. The apartment echoes from our days together, the noise is almost unbearable. It was not a wise decision to welcome you here....I neglected to believe that you could impact my heart so profoundly that my home has become a place of painful reminders that you are gone!

My beloved coffee mug has become a traitor to me, it is now Duncan's coffee mug...all I see is your image, holding , sipping, and smiling at me with those adoring eyes. Asking permission to leave my presence to smoke, I follow you as I can not bear to be deprived of your presence.

When did this happen, this melting of my heart....my undoing. When did I carelessly drop the veil of protection to allow the arrow to pierce so deeply. You said that you feel deeply about people and things and I heard but neglected to check my own heart.
For dear Duncan, before you appeared on the Texas beach, my heart lay in a near coma state so wounded and unwilling or unable to produce strong emotions for my sake. Oh, I could move to my family's needs, my children and even my little dog but to believe that I could have room in my scarred soul was unthinkable. Me....I'm only looking for adventure...an experience...possibly a last tango! So deep was the folly that I walked into the lion's den with pork chops tied to my neck!

Now like a small child with a baby tooth dangling in her mouth wanting relief but fearing the consequences of being released from that small piece of ivory, I endure the pain of loss, the fear of the future and yet I regret nothing! How can I add regret to the emotional platter before me ? Look there on the porcelain oval you will find a feast fit for the Queen. On my dinner plate, you heaped before me a bounty I've never been offered before in my lifetime, an arrangement of sweets along with the nutrients everyone needs to be able to blossom and grow. Thank you dear Duncan for laying before the Queen such treasures as no queen has even been gifted.

Now, I go through the stages of withdrawal and as any respectable addict...my darling Duncan...it is painful! Your love is a drug far too powerful to dally with, the taste and smell lingers on. Hearing your voice of control and reason was painful to witness. I longed for you to join with me in my emotional tornado, to rush to my side, or demand I join you but you remained the wise and calm one.

How honorable you are, and under these conditions how strong of character are you! Take a breath Shara, just in and out. I do feel lucky that one of us is showing some restraint and control , so soon I will be able to do that too. Just not right now!

As I finish this long, long Shakespearean email I do feel some measure of ground under my toes. Hearing your voice, holding the items you left for me, sliding the rings on my right ring finger, kissing your ring and putting it away in my treasure box helps me breath again. The heavy weight on my chest in gone and the thoughts of moving through the day seem doable.

Prince Duncan do not forsake your duties because your Queen has let her heart loose, she too has duties to her kingdom and her loyal subjects that must be attended to. She bids you a safe voyage and will welcome you with much celebration when you return to her grateful arms.

With all my love,
Shara

2008-01-25T21:00:00.000-08:00

Squeezed in the middle

of many models and makes

a woman survives

They Ride Horses in Texas Don't They!

2008-01-25T19:11:00.000-08:00

Everyone lives on a ranch, rides horses and fights Indians? That's what I heard people in Europe think about Texas...Assumptions from the movies and television sitcoms like Dallas has given Texans some huge boots to fill. It must be a real let down to come here and see that cowboys are becoming a dying breed with only a few pockets of working cattle ranches. As so I believed til I walked up on a postcard picture in the flesh....a good looking cowboy, a beautiful mustang and a cow dog!

I had made a day of exploring my home town of Fort Worth during it's annual Jazz Festival when I turned the corner around the Will Rodgers Complex to see this young cowboy riding a fence sidesaddle while talking on his cell phone. I couldn't walk away without taking pictures or starting a conversation. I'm pretty brazen that way...just walked up and started talking!

First I asked if he would mind my taking pictures of him and the animals. "No Mam", he said. Of course, he had beautiful manners! I was struck by his clean cut appearance, obvious pressed jeans and pearl snap western shirt...all the trappings of a real "cleaned up to go to town" cowboy.

We talked about where he was from and what large ranch he was working on. The mustang was his soon to be bride, girlfriend's project called Mustang Make-over. The horse was part of a wild herd that lost it's natural habitat because of urban sprawl. The program gives you nine months to care for and train the mustang then compete in a competition that tests the horses abilities to follow the rider's commands as on a working ranch. His girl didn't make a perfect score but the young man apparently was mighty proud of her effort.

It almost felt like I was in a foreign country, speaking to the local natives. I hung on every word and drank in all the visuals that said, "Postcard from Texas".

I was just now thinking....if we just took the time to stop and visit, I believe we would find more of these pockets of wonders right in our own backyards.

"Not I ",said the dog,.. "Not I", said the cat....

2008-01-25T17:24:00.000-08:00

Funny what rattles around in my head...all week, I've had bits and pieces of old children's stories pop into my mine and out my mouth!

I'm drawing...demonstrating to my second graders how to draw a Chinese dragon's face...head on! I'm explaining shapes and placement of eyes, nostrils and of course HIS REALLY TERRIFYING TEETH....then out it comes..."Grandma, what great big teeth you have,"...the better to EAT you my dear! giggles and chuckles and a few ohhhhhhh from my little wild ones...I have way too much fun!

We're in the third week of a cultural study using the Chinese New Year as a focus. Every class begins with a bow and "Nee How"...Hello...with Happy & Prosperous New Year "Gung Hay Fat Choy" added in. Together we talk about the dragon parades and lion dragon dances, the significance of Peony flowers to announce spring, special ceremonies to honor the elders of the family and something else that I hope to pass on to my little artists. "The obvious connections we have with all cultures no matter how far away they live, how different their skin color or language spoken; we all celebrate our love for family and our country. Every opportunity I get to explore a new environment (whether it be a new neighborhood near my home or another state or soon another country) I find I always have family, friends and home as the catalyst to connect and start a conversation.

I preach to my little ones, "We are more alike than different, take the time to look for those things first."

Baby, it's cold outside!

2008-01-24T17:06:00.000-08:00

The word was spreading over the little primary campus, "We will probably stay home tomorrow because of Freezing Rain forecast." Amazingly in Texas, we can't handle any winter weather without shutting down the interstates, schools and making runs on bread, milk and soup fixin's! We're just not prepared or trained to drive thru snow or slidin' on top of sheets of ice.

My students are terribly excited because they're dreaming of snowflakes and yes, snowball fights and snowmen! Me, I just want to be able to get the stuff from my third floor apartment down and out then up two floors to the new three bedroom apartment. Wow...my timing has always sucked!

the Queen needs boxes and a few really strong men!

A Poet's Reasoning

2008-01-21T19:39:00.000-08:00

Why do I come here to this place

speaking my secrets to strangers?

unbuttoning my blouse to expose my heart

I want....I need to be heard

I want....I need to be understood

With every poem, I find my voice

no longer mute, no longer silent

I fight a world's assault upon my spirit

it/you dismiss me as insignificant & unworthy

I want....I need to scream above your noise

I want....I need/not to be invisible any longer

When you look at me...do you?

do we ever get past our own desires to consider others?

can't we accept each other unconditionally

I want....I need to be accepted

I want....I need to be loved

Why do I come here...baring all

frustrated, frightened of disappearing from this earth

without leaving a stain

I want...I need to make a connection

I want...I need you to see me

What waits for us in the future

death looms...death waits...death will come

so I risk what is left of this earthly adventure

to a lofty quest

I want....I need to discover who I am, who I can be

I want....I need to be authentic and real

without restraints

no longer holding on to the past but fearless for the future

I want....I desperately need to be me

Cold Hearted Bastard!

2008-01-21T16:23:00.000-08:00

and so it is!

you have blown me off again, you heartless bastard!

my ear hears the rings...once, twice, three times

your eyes see my name printed in lights upon the tiny screen

a expected click...

the dreaded recorded monologue begins, committed to memory!

"hi, it's me-I've decided that you are too insignificant and therefore unimportant to talk to...whatever passed between us before doesn't matter. For whatever reasons, I will keep that to myself. I have decided to blow you off again!

you can twist & turn in the wind trying to make some sense of it all but I'm too much of a coward and selfish to be up front and honest with you.

besides...you have this coming to you to believe what I said was true.

you've been screwed...I screwed you once more!"

for every unreturned phone call

every broken promise

the compliment based on deceptive needs

manipulation or emotional carelessness....

do we ever charge up so much debt that fate retaliates?

is there a karmic tally sheet somewhere?

contemplate this!

a cosmic data base

row by row

column under column

listing our purely selfless and openly selfish acts towards others!

by not acting, do I commit an emotional moray in today's society!

depends on what side of the action your ear is? Isn't it!

Waiting for the voice, you are at their mercy-

wanting to be acknowledged, just be listened to,

to be granted a sense of worthiness is excruciating and painful.

on the other side of the receiver-

upon their self appointed throne is the power to control others.

he/she holds a thumb up or down to decide who gets to live another day in the arena of relationships.

Nero played his lyre,

Brutus called in his fellow gangsters to dispatch his beloved Cesar!

betrayal is brutal business that drains precious energy from a pure heart.

careless and with little or no regret the weaker and vulnerable heart is vanquished

the sweetest spirit gives up it's unfulfilled dreams;

replaces them with armor for the next unsuspecting soul.

a foe is never more dangerous to our undoing than a friend with no conscious or integrity!

be brave my friend...speak slow and softly...but speak nevertheless-

for it is, YOUR SOUL, you protect from becoming a cold hearted bastard!

A Broken Window

2008-01-21T03:32:00.000-08:00

a broken window

rust upon the exterior

shards of glass jutting out to pierce

an oblivious but foolish heart

a willing victim

who self inflicts her own wounds

lost to her own convictions

yearns for companionship, to take a lover

balks at the gate

frozen by fear of failure

always repeating the past

she trusts everyone, she trusts no one

do not trust the heart

for to muffle the pain it indulges in risky behavior

while reaching out for temporary pleasure

let her procrastinate a little longer

avoid the empty hollow left my the shattering of glass

So maybe the Queen can sleep now!

A late night letter to a soulmate & friend

2008-01-21T02:14:00.000-08:00

Dearest One,
So very late at night and I've just finished such a lovely romantic movie. To this, I think of my sweet friend and love: to comment so. The story takes place in the south of France and the bustle of the stock exchange in London. A boy raised by his uncle becomes a driven man with very little prospect of learning precious joys of life until he inherits his uncle's vineyards.
The mood is enchanting with the soft golden tones, incredible landscapes, sights and sounds of the french culture. Adding to the film is a tongue in cheek humor poking fun at the French (frogs) and the British (bricks). I found the music nostalgic and provoking to cause me to hum a little or smile slightly. I wanted to be her with him saying those so romantic lines and making love in that huge iron bed within a french villa on a french estate.
It will be very hard to sleep without dreaming myself into the story, With all my love...I think of you my dear, dear friend.
Shara

A Good Year...a Ridley Scott film
Russell Crowe, Albert Finney